So If You Consider Heroin As A “Drug” Then Go Ahead And Call Me A Drug Addict!

Written by
A Heroin-Shooting Chron Head

For the better half of the last 13 years, people have constantly been preaching to me about their over-the-top judgements, misguided opinions and the way they put labels on everything. That’s a real pet peeve of mine, people who feel the need to label EVERYTHING. These pessimists and naysayers keep getting on my last nerve when they tell me that heroin is a “drug” and that “it’s highly addictive and could kill you”. Well if that’s the case and you consider it as a drug, even something so harmless as heroin, then consider me a drug addict!

Because I gotta tell ya, I use heroin so routinely that yes, technically I’m a “drug user” if you wanted to label it that way. And lemme guess – you would also consider the action of “injecting pure, uncut drugs straight into my bloodstream using a syringe” as “junkie-type behaviour” right? Ya ya, I’ve heard it all before. Maybe you should take the time to look into the mirror and judge your own life instead of labelling me and what I do almost every day when I have enough scratch to buy my shit. Oh, well excuse me Mr. No Fun. You DO know that I’m not the only one in the world to use heroin. There are millions of these so called “addicts” out there, so before you make judgements on little ol’ me, you’d better make judgements on everyone. Yes I bubble heroin in a spoon and then wrap my belt around my arm to get that one perfect throbbing vein ready for the puncture of my needle from which liquid heaven rushes into my entire body in a matter of seconds, but to be honest, who doesn’t?

Quit pretending like you’re NOT the only person who still considers heroin a drug. Because if that’s true, then label me a “junkie” I suppose.

Just Because I’m A Doctor, Doesn’t Mean I Know What That Thing On Your Forehead Is

The Turnip News - Opinion
By an Oshawa Doctor

Please sir, calm down. I realize that you must be frustrated right now and to be honest, who wouldn’t be!? You come in here looking for a competent, knowledgeable, well-learned Doctor to diagnose whatever that hideous protuberance is on your head is, and instead you get me.

Look. I’m not saying I’m not a Doctor. Oh no, not at all. I received my Ph.D. in medicine and healthcare from the University of Waterloo when I was 33. I have been practicing medicine for the past 19 years and am quite trained and experienced to handle any sort of incident from patients suffering any number of malfeasance. But I’m sorry to say, in this case, that largely disgusting pulsating lump jamming out the right side of your forehead baffles me to no end. I have no fucking clue what it is. Sorry.

Now, now, no need to get more mad. I mean, who knows what that will do to your second head sticking out the front of your skull. It may even make the god-damn thing worse. And quit touching it! I have no clue what that could do it, but I’m sure it could, possibly, infect it? – aaaaah, this is doozy. What the hell is with the purple mark on the side of it? Jesus… How the fuck did this happen again? Here, let me refer you to a colleague of mine who might be able to help. No, he’s really good, almost as well-trained as me. But this guy has a real passion for the extraordinary and downright strange so this may be right up his alley. Oh Christ, is it bleeding too? We should get to you a Doctor who can tell us what you’re dealing with here. Uuugh, sorry, but I can’t do anything else for you.

Anyways, Lunch time! Talk to my Secretary and she’ll set up another meeting for you.

Good luck with that!
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Oslo Attacks Already Made Into Hollywood Blockbuster

> Major motion picture already has director, cast members and release date in selected theatres.

Sesame Street To Introduce Crack Whore Puppet?

The Turnip News

The most famous children’s television show in history is trying to engage more viewers by making its characters more realistic and believable. According to reports from on-set, Sesame Street will be introducing a new character to the fold known informally as the “Raging Crack Whore” puppet.

 

The show’s producers have hinted the new personality will be a young woman who lives on the street, has sex for money and is intensely addicted to some form of illegal substance, most likely crack. “We want our viewers to believe that Sesame Street is a real place.

One of the ways we remain so successful is by introducing characters who have depth, realism and self-destructive behaviour that leads them down a path towards blowing strangers in alleys to support their crack habit,” said one of the show’s writers.

“Not to say anything official yet, but we do have something in the works that will bring some sort of nasty-ass dope head freak into the mix. It’s very exciting.”

The show’s producers have been tight-lipped about the new addition until a few days ago when an episode was aired that featured a one-time cameo appearance of the character “Minnie The Meth-Head”.
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Hockey Player Unaware He’s Playing With Swimming Pool Noodle

The Turnip News

TORONTO - Toronto Maple Leaf winger Tyler Bozak was left red-faced after practice Wednesday upon learning he was skating around using a foam swimming noodle instead of a hockey stick for the entire two hours. “The last thing I wanna do is embarrass myself, but this was ridiculous.

"I had no idea,” exclaimed the baffled second-year rookie who had also just signed a contract extension with the NHL club. Bozak was oddly seen skating around pilons, doing shooting drills and even taping up his water flotation device with black hockey tape.

“When the guys told me after practice what I was holding, I thought they were just fuckin’ with me. And then I looked down and saw I was in fact holding this foam noodle thing! Boy did I feel silly, lemme tell you,” exclaimed Bozak. Nearby scouts didn’t have the heart to tell the lil guy what was going on after seeing him examining the “curve” of his “stick” and then going about the drills as if he had a regular hockey stick in hand.
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Man Looking Into Mirror Looking Into Mirror Looks Into Mirror

The Turnip News
Location: Unknown
According to reports that surfaced early Wednesday morning, a man’s reflection in a mirror reflected off another mirror and then looked into that very same mirror. It’s unclear whether or not the reflection of the man’s first reflection was being reflected by his face, or by the reflection of his face off the other mirror. A nearby witness acknowledged the man was looking into one mirror, whose reflection bounced back into another mirror, thus creating the illusion of him looking back into that same mirror.

“Yea, he was staring right into the mirror, and that reflected image bounced off the other mirror, and so on and so forth,” said the passerby who requested to remain anonymous. “I guess you could say he was looking at himself, looking at himself while looking into himself,” said the witness, while staring off into the distance.
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Area Man Wondering What’s Taking So Fucking Long

The Turnip News

WESTBORO - “I thought this was the ‘8 Items or Less’ cash? What the fuck is taking so long?!," angrily pondered area grocer Ron Cole to himself while waiting in line at the local Superstore.

“I can see you’ve only got three TV dinners, a pomegranate and some fucking magazines. Why does the cashier need to call somebody in the Frozen Food Section!?!?” exclaimed Cole loudly in his mind to himself. “AAARRRRRRGH!!!!!” he repeated mentally while swaying back and forth and glaringly staring at the cashier and customer who were now definitely holding up the rest of the line.

This wasn't the first time Cole had to wait for something. Just last week he had to "stand around" for an extra four minutes while Blockbuster cashier had to "fix the computer" in order for Cole’s membership card to be accessed. “For fuck's sake!!”, he said aloud in his mind.
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Royal Couple Run Away Screaming After Accidentally Visiting Oshawa

The Turnip News

OSHAWA - In what is being labeled as a “terrible scheduling mistake”, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge ran away screaming yesterday, fleeing for their lives upon accidentally winding up in the poverty and crime-ravaged crap hole that is Oshawa, Ontario. “We’re lucky to be alive,” said a visibly shaken and distraught Kate Middleton to reporters, while trying desperately to conceal her extreme terror. “Our first mistake was exiting the vehicle...,” she quivered just before breaking down and sobbing uncontrollably in a fit of paralyzing fear and shock. According to witnesses, a group of filth-ridden mongrels (known as Oshawans) smelled the newcomers’ arrival and began chasing them with pitch forks, shovels and dismembered human body parts, (likely from other tourists unlucky enough to have stopped in the pit-stain-sorry-excuse-for-a-town).

Although Will and Kate had an entourage of security to protect them, they still only managed to escape the “absolute shit-stain of a place” by the skin of their teeth. Police later confirmed several members of the Royal security squad were abducted and likely later tortured and killed in one of Oshawa’s many underground caves where most of the townsfolk live. “I just couldn’t believe that these sort of places existed in Ontario,” said William. “Dirty little kids walking around with no shoes on… Horribly disfigured mongoloids chasing us with hand-made weaponry… And that diner around the corner? Holy fuck. Talk about ghetto,” he added.

As of press time, the couple had managed to move on from the terrible ordeal and arrived at their initial destination of downtown Toronto where they made their scheduled public appearance. Will and Kate later made a heartfelt warning to all Canadians and human beings, pleading them to stay away from Oshawa if they knew what was good for them.
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Vancouver Rioters Unaware Canucks Just Played Hockey

The Turnip News

VANCOUVER - Following a horrifying string of violent outbursts and vandalism, Vancouver citizens collectively acknowledged they had no idea their city’s NHL team had just lost Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. “Really? The Canucks were playing tonight?” said a puzzled Ben Nicholson, 31, right before hurling a metal garbage can into the windshield of an unoccupied police cruiser.

Although initial media reports suggested the rioting was in retaliation to a collective disappointment of Boston winning the Stanley Cup, it was later confirmed that the hundreds of thousands of crazed lunatics were simply destroying their own city "for the fuck of it".

“The Canucks are an awesome hockey team! I hope we beat the Whalers next week!” screamed one inebriated, clearly uninformed fan to another. Local journalists reported several incidents of people smashing store windows, burning cars and throwing flares into crowds simply because “it was a Wednesday.”

Local store owner Chris Mackenzie, 52, was baffled by the remorseless violence and disrespect shown outside his convenience store. “I was telling everyone to calm down, don’t worry, and that the Canucks will win the Cup next year…they all just stopped and stared blankly at me for a second and then bum-rushed me!. It was horrifying and confusing at the same time. Do these people not know WHY they are looting or beating me senseless?” exclaimed Mackenzie while being trampled without mercy.

Even several interviews with various passive onlookers of the chaos sprouted further evidence that no one had any fucking idea that the Canucks had just lost. “You’re kidding me, right!? I thought they played on Sunday? Against….aaaaaah. Some team. Can’t think of it now, but are you seeing this crazy shit!? AWESOME!” the fan said while he watched a group of drunk degenerates toss a cinder block through a nearby Toys R Us window.
At press time, thousands of rioters were collectively asking local reporters “what was the final score of the “Grizzlies game”.
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Man Thought To Be Superstitious Actually Just Obsessive Compulsive

Season 4 Disc 2 of One Tree Hill Found At Bin Laden’s Hideout

Impatient Climber Hacks Arm Off After Being Stuck Under Boulder For 127 Seconds

The Turnip News

MESA, ARZ. - The amazing perseverance of the human spirit and a strong will to live helped local climber Rex Jennings escape the Red River Canyon alive, but not without a price. During an afternoon of hiking and rock climbing on Saturday, Jennings fell in between a narrow crevice, wedging his left arm in between a large boulder and pinning him there for what seemed like an eternity. It wasn’t until 40 grueling seconds later, that Jennings first contemplated cutting off his own arm to escape.

“I remember being down there for so long. The first 10-15 seconds I kept thinking that someone would come save me. But after about 40 seconds, I drank all my water, ate all my food and I was beginning to hallucinate,” explained Jennings, who was close to giving up all other options for survival.
The exhausted hiker also documented much of his ordeal using his video camera, where he morbidly addresses his family that he might soon die, after feeling utterly hopeless at the 56-second mark.
The video camera has over a minute-and-a-half of raw, unedited footage.
Then, as if a sudden jolt of adrenaline along with a horrifying realization, Jennings then broke his arm and began to saw it off using his pocket knife. But at that point, being stuck for just under two minutes, what choice did he have.

“I knew I had been there long enough. If someone didn’t find me after two minutes, what’s another two minutes going to do for me. So I got out my pocket knife and started hacking away,” said Jennings.
When the dehydrated, exhausted hiker managed to escape the canyon, he was found by a group of nearby climbers 84-seconds later.

“It’s surprising that he could have lasted that long down there,” said rescuer David Krengle.
“I don’t know what I would have done, but he’s one tough son-of-a-bitch, being stuck down there for almost three minutes. But he did what he had to do. He would have died down there without any more food or water for another 127 seconds.”
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Royal Wedding Ceremony Takes Backseat to Mr. Bean Antics

The Turnip News

LONDON - What was expected to be a historical day of celebration, turned out to be a string of hilarious mishaps, thanks to the accident-prone disasters of Mr. Bean.

Royal onlookers were shocked as the national icon of slapstick comedy shuffled nervously into the ceremony and accidentally knocked over the Queen into the wedding cake. The crowd later erupted in boisterous laughter upon watching Mr. Bean get his head stuck in the alter during the reading of the vows. Absolute side-stitching hilarity swiftly ensued after Mr. Bean was chased around by Security, who were unable to capture him.

Somehow getting into a pair of roller skates, Mr. Bean then managed to single-handedly topple over a 300-year-old golden monument, which then struck a wooden plank, simultaneously catapulting Prince Harry 20 feet in the air. Despite hurried attempts from Prince William and Kate to rush the ceremony, Mr. Bean somehow managed to hit the bride-to-be smack dab in the face with a banana cream pie, swiftly ending the magical, yet absolutely gut-splitting afternoon.
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Paul Walker Wins Best Actor Oscar

The Turnip News

ACADEMY AWARDS - In a shocking turnaround for an actor not typically known for his exceptional acting skills, 37-year-old actor Paul Walker was awarded his first ever Oscar last night for his performance in Fast Five, the latest instalment in The Fast and The Furious franchise.

Having already received a Golden Globe just months before his performance, Walker, however, was still not seen as the favourite going into last night’s Academy Awards ceremony. But as the envelope was opened and presented by four-time Oscar winner, Sean William Scott, the unthinkable became reality and Walker finally received his long-awaited accolade.

“This is a dream come true for me,” Walker told the audience, in a stone-like stare to nobody in particular while demonstrating no foreseeable emotion whatsoever.
“I can’t believe I’m holding this right now, bro,” he said after a long silence. Other big winners at last night’s gala included Ashton Kutcher’s best supporting Oscar for his role in Dude Where’s My Car?, and the Best Actress award, given to Anna Faris for her gripping, emotional portrayal of a Playboy Bunny in the critically-acclaimed, The House Bunny.
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Alcohol Sales Increase Due To Unemployed Booze-Hound

The Turnip News

OTTAWA – Retailers around the nation’s capital have recently seen a significant spike in alcohol sales, and reports confirmed it’s because of local drunk, Matthew Jameson, 29. The recently unemployed graphic designer has been battling alcohol addiction quietly for the past nine years, but now the absolute Lush, just recently, has had all the time in the world to feed that hunger out in the open and for all to see.

“We have seen that since Jameson was let go a few weeks ago (at Motion Control Systems Inc.), our sales have doubled,” said local LCBO Manager, Todd Nichols. “This has been due in large part to Jameson’s overwhelming need to get jacked up on beer, rum, vodka, tequila and wine. Most of our sales show that Jameson has been single-handedly drinking himself into oblivion, and we couldn’t be happier!”.

Jameson, the human-hard-liquor vortex, has reportedly been blowing his life savings in order to help fuel his overwhelmingly, destructive desire to get shit-faced, blackout, drunk everyday of the week. Financial statistics released just yesterday from StatsCan also revealed that Jameson spends upwards of $150 per day on getting blasted, and local retailers are reaping the benefits.

“The Ottawa economy is booming and it’s all thanks to ol’ gassed-up Carlos Boozer over there,” said Nichols while pointing to Jameson who was laying down in the wine aisle with his pants around his ankles, asleep but still holding a half-empty bottle of white in his lap.
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Bobby Trades Whitney To Ike For Tina

The Turnip News

HOLLYWOOD - In a shocking, public confession that appears to contradict many happy years of healthy marriage, Bobby Brown confirmed to reporters yesterday that he has traded his wife, Whitney, to Ike Turner in exchange for Ike’s current wife, Tina.

Both men held a press conference late yesterday afternoon to discuss the swap, along with both newly acquired spouses, who were not permitted to speak at any time during the entirety of the event. “Yes it’s true,” declared Bobby, side-by-side with newly possessed Tina, now his wife.
“Tina is mah bitch now. She gon do whateva I say, wheneva I say it,” emphasized Bobby to the crowd. Stepping in to give his two-sense was newly-Whitney-wed Ike Turner, now in sole possession of the Grammy-award-winning singer.

“Whitney is mine now and I couldn’t be happier… I’m thirsty, I need a draaank!,” stated Ike to nobody in particular. He then addressed Whitney directly and said “Bitch! I’m talkin’ to you! Go fetch me some Covasier, hoe!”. It’s unsure whether the new couples plan to socialize together after the merger, but sources close to Bobby and Ike claim “pimpin ain’t easy, but it’s necessaaary”.

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Man Too Broke To Buy Car Proud Of Doing His Part For Environment

The Turnip News

CUMBERLAND - A recently unemployed Ted Ryerson told reporters yesterday he is proud that his lack of financial stability to purchase an automobile has enabled him to do his inconsequential part to help the environment. “I just do what I can so this planet has a brighter future for our children,” explained Ryerson while waiting on the corner of 5^th Ave. for the next bus to take him to the grocery store. “That and the fact that I have no money to buy any type of car whatsoever,” he added.

Sources close to Ryerson confirmed his self-pride in walking everywhere, taking his bike to work and relying on transportation from family, friends and the occasional date. “By carpooling, we’re really making a conscious decision to reduce the amount of exhaust fumes in the atmosphere. That, and the fact that I wouldn’t even have enough cash to buy a Geo fucking Metro, let alone pay for a lease or any sort of insurance,” he said.

The soon-to-be-unemployment-insurance-registered Ryerson admitted although a car would help him get around easier, it’s a small sacrifice for the good of the planet. “Sure, I would like to head over to Blockbuster once in a while and NOT have the trip take me three hours, but I’m making a decision to go green." Ryerson was then unavailable for comment because he had to get on the #2 bus toward downtown, then hop on the #95 East route and hopefully catch a local bus in order to go pick up his laundry which had been in the dryer for over five hours.
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Iginla Likely Candidate For Hart Trophy After 19-Point Performance

The Turnip News

SPORTS - The NHL and its fans across the world witnessed the impossible last night after Calgary Flames captain, Jarome Iginla, became the front-runner for the Hart Trophy following an unbelievable performance in the last game of the regular season. Notting 11 goals and 8 assists against the Vancouver Canucks in a crazy 23-1 drubbing, Iginla has single-handedly catapulted his case to the top of the list as candidate for the coveted Hart Trophy, an award typically given to the top scorer in the regular season.

“I couldn’t believe what was happening,” said Flames forward Renee Bourque, who witnessed what most people are calling “fucking insane”.


“I mean the guy just kept lighting it up. Red light, red light, red light,” added Bourque while simultaneously making slapshot movements with his arms.

Iginla’s accomplishment made it the only time in NHL history a player has scored that many points in any game.  “What can I say, I’m fucking amazing and I was just waiting the whole season to bust out like this,” said Iginla after the game while sitting on a massive throne built of gold in the dressing room.
“I honestly just wanted to wait until the last minute before I stole the Hart Trophy away from that Swedish pansy Danielle (Sedin). It was hilarious. Why? Cuz fuck him, that’s why.”
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Ransom Note Free Of Errors, Spell Check Reports

The Turnip News

BARRHAVEN - A Microsoft Word document depicting shocking threats of violence toward a young girl if a ransom is not paid before sunset tomorrow, contained no grammatical or spelling errors, according to the program’s spell check.

The document, written by a psychotic child molester who kidnapped an 11-year-old student at a nearby elementary school, contained exceptional punctuation, grammar and sentence structure.

It’s not known if the young hostage is unharmed, but what is known was that a clear and concise 1-pager had no reason whatsoever to produce any results from the spell check, which automatically generated the pop-up box “The spelling and grammar check is complete”.

“Aside from the obvious seriousness of this note… I mean the guy threatens to murder this poor girl who has been missing for a few days now…It’s actually very well written and gets straight to the point,” exclaimed Joel Hamilton of the Kidnapping and Missing Persons division at RCMP HQ.

“Don’t get me wrong. There is some pretty disturbing shit in this, but it’s done so professionally, I gotta tip my hat to the sick bastard,” added Hamilton, who is nowhere near solving the case, nor does he have any leads of any kind.
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Award Recipient Needs to Take Wicked Shit

The Turnip News

NEPEAN - The 2010 Corporate Award for Sales recipient, Lewis Giralde, told himself that he had to take a massive shit during his photo-op, which placed him in a really awkward position amongst his peers.

Having to pose for several plaque-holding photographs for the Consumer Safety Commission of Canada’s corporate website, it was reported that Giralde maintained an air of professionalism while desperately forcing himself to clench up his butt-cheeks and smile for the camera. “Oh man, oh man, how much longer do I have to hold this god damn plaque!” thought Giralde while beginning to feel a turtle-head start to slowly poke out.

Unbeknownst to surrounding colleagues that he was about to full-on shit himself, Giralde used quick thinking and pretended to answer his cell phone so he could waddle out of the room towards the nearest bathroom. “Sorry gentleman, but I have to take this. I’ll be right back,” he exclaimed to his fellow board members while trying not to let them see the discomfort and beads of sweat coming down his forehead.

“Lord of Fuck! I’m going to annihilate this bathroom!” thought Giralde to himself before entering the men's room at the end of the hall and squatting out a rather large, horrible, vile deuce-and-a-half.
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Malfunctioning Copier Decapitates Intern

                                                                                     
The Turnip News

ORLEANS - Sanford Marketing Inc. will be forced to hire another intern this summer after a horrible office equipment malfunction turned deadly yesterday. U of O student and recent work placement temporary employee, Todd Gaul, 22, was swiftly decapitated just after 2 p.m. by a malfunctioning photocopier in the Human Resources department. Witnesses reported hearing odd noises from the alleged copier as Gaul was using it, but paid no attention until they heard a loud “Shhhick!” sound.

“All I heard was this horrifying noise like someone had sliced a watermelon with a Samurai sword, and then it followed by what appeared to be, someone’s severed head hitting the carpet,” said co-worker Judy Willis. “I was right in the middle of a sweet game of solitaire when I heard the terrible sound,” she exclaimed.

It’s unclear who will now be responsible for doing morning coffee runs, photocopying in-voices or fetching more paper, but employees at Sanford’s are keeping a positive outlook on the otherwise, grim situation. “He will be missed, but I know we can all get through this rough time,” said Sales Director, Trevor Athana. “I’ve got a long list of replacement Interns we can get to photocopy our shit and work here day and night for free,” he said.

“We’re always moving forward here. As soon as one Todd Gaul loses his head, we have ten more lining up to take his place. That’s the kind of appealing work environment we have going on here.”
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Office Skank Excited For Company Picnic

The Turnip News

OTTAWA - A jubilant group of single male employees at their Kanata-based consulting firm expressed sheer joy yesterday upon hearing that office skank, Debra Shulster, was excited for next week’s annual corporate fundraiser picnic.

According to internal memorandums, alcohol will once again be served at this year’s function, leading staff members to believe that “Debs will likely get blasted and make out with everyone.” Known for her overzealous attraction to booze, scandalous behaviour and slutty tendencies, Shulster told reporters she plans to “get the party started.”

“I can’t fucking wait and I hear they are going to be serving Margaritas!” said the fourth-year Communications Writer who has somehow managed to maintain her employment despite handing out dozens of flyers of her photocopied cooch to everyone at last year’s venue. “And don’t worry, I’m gonna make this year’s bash even better than before,” proudly exclaimed the corporate hooker as the dudes from the Marketing Department were allegedly giving each other high-fives and fist-pounds near Boardroom E.

“I’ve been waiting all year for this,” said an exuberant Josh Reid, who convinced Shulster to take a shit in the mailroom two summers ago. “Oh man, oh man, she’s so fired up too. I just KNOW she’s going to make a fool of herself and I’ll be right there with my video camera once again. I can’t freaking wait!.”
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