Alcohol Sales Increase Due To Unemployed Booze-Hound

The Turnip News

OTTAWA – Retailers around the nation’s capital have recently seen a significant spike in alcohol sales, and reports confirmed it’s because of local drunk, Matthew Jameson, 29. The recently unemployed graphic designer has been battling alcohol addiction quietly for the past nine years, but now the absolute Lush, just recently, has had all the time in the world to feed that hunger out in the open and for all to see.

“We have seen that since Jameson was let go a few weeks ago (at Motion Control Systems Inc.), our sales have doubled,” said local LCBO Manager, Todd Nichols. “This has been due in large part to Jameson’s overwhelming need to get jacked up on beer, rum, vodka, tequila and wine. Most of our sales show that Jameson has been single-handedly drinking himself into oblivion, and we couldn’t be happier!”.

Jameson, the human-hard-liquor vortex, has reportedly been blowing his life savings in order to help fuel his overwhelmingly, destructive desire to get shit-faced, blackout, drunk everyday of the week. Financial statistics released just yesterday from StatsCan also revealed that Jameson spends upwards of $150 per day on getting blasted, and local retailers are reaping the benefits.

“The Ottawa economy is booming and it’s all thanks to ol’ gassed-up Carlos Boozer over there,” said Nichols while pointing to Jameson who was laying down in the wine aisle with his pants around his ankles, asleep but still holding a half-empty bottle of white in his lap.
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