The Turnip News
OTTAWA - A jubilant group of single male employees at their Kanata-based consulting firm expressed sheer joy yesterday upon hearing that office skank, Debra Shulster, was excited for next week’s annual corporate fundraiser picnic.
According to internal memorandums, alcohol will once again be served at this year’s function, leading staff members to believe that “Debs will likely get blasted and make out with everyone.” Known for her overzealous attraction to booze, scandalous behaviour and slutty tendencies, Shulster told reporters she plans to “get the party started.”
“I can’t fucking wait and I hear they are going to be serving Margaritas!” said the fourth-year Communications Writer who has somehow managed to maintain her employment despite handing out dozens of flyers of her photocopied cooch to everyone at last year’s venue. “And don’t worry, I’m gonna make this year’s bash even better than before,” proudly exclaimed the corporate hooker as the dudes from the Marketing Department were allegedly giving each other high-fives and fist-pounds near Boardroom E.
“I’ve been waiting all year for this,” said an exuberant Josh Reid, who convinced Shulster to take a shit in the mailroom two summers ago. “Oh man, oh man, she’s so fired up too. I just KNOW she’s going to make a fool of herself and I’ll be right there with my video camera once again. I can’t freaking wait!.”
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OTTAWA - A jubilant group of single male employees at their Kanata-based consulting firm expressed sheer joy yesterday upon hearing that office skank, Debra Shulster, was excited for next week’s annual corporate fundraiser picnic.
According to internal memorandums, alcohol will once again be served at this year’s function, leading staff members to believe that “Debs will likely get blasted and make out with everyone.” Known for her overzealous attraction to booze, scandalous behaviour and slutty tendencies, Shulster told reporters she plans to “get the party started.”
“I can’t fucking wait and I hear they are going to be serving Margaritas!” said the fourth-year Communications Writer who has somehow managed to maintain her employment despite handing out dozens of flyers of her photocopied cooch to everyone at last year’s venue. “And don’t worry, I’m gonna make this year’s bash even better than before,” proudly exclaimed the corporate hooker as the dudes from the Marketing Department were allegedly giving each other high-fives and fist-pounds near Boardroom E.
“I’ve been waiting all year for this,” said an exuberant Josh Reid, who convinced Shulster to take a shit in the mailroom two summers ago. “Oh man, oh man, she’s so fired up too. I just KNOW she’s going to make a fool of herself and I’ll be right there with my video camera once again. I can’t freaking wait!.”
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