The Turnip News
VANCOUVER - Following a horrifying string of violent outbursts and vandalism, Vancouver citizens collectively acknowledged they had no idea their city’s NHL team had just lost Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. “Really? The Canucks were playing tonight?” said a puzzled Ben Nicholson, 31, right before hurling a metal garbage can into the windshield of an unoccupied police cruiser.
Although initial media reports suggested the rioting was in retaliation to a collective disappointment ofBoston
“The Canucks are an awesome hockey team! I hope we beat the Whalers next week!” screamed one inebriated, clearly uninformed fan to another. Local journalists reported several incidents of people smashing store windows, burning cars and throwing flares into crowds simply because “it was a Wednesday.”
Local store owner Chris Mackenzie, 52, was baffled by the remorseless violence and disrespect shown outside his convenience store. “I was telling everyone to calm down, don’t worry, and that the Canucks will win the Cup next year…they all just stopped and stared blankly at me for a second and then bum-rushed me!. It was horrifying and confusing at the same time. Do these people not know WHY they are looting or beating me senseless?” exclaimed Mackenzie while being trampled without mercy.
Even several interviews with various passive onlookers of the chaos sprouted further evidence that no one had any fucking idea that the Canucks had just lost. “You’re kidding me, right!? I thought they played on Sunday? Against….aaaaaah. Some team. Can’t think of it now, but are you seeing this crazy shit!? AWESOME!” the fan said while he watched a group of drunk degenerates toss a cinder block through a nearby Toys R Us window.
At press time, thousands of rioters were collectively asking local reporters “what was the final score of the “Grizzlies game”.
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VANCOUVER - Following a horrifying string of violent outbursts and vandalism, Vancouver citizens collectively acknowledged they had no idea their city’s NHL team had just lost Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. “Really? The Canucks were playing tonight?” said a puzzled Ben Nicholson, 31, right before hurling a metal garbage can into the windshield of an unoccupied police cruiser.
Although initial media reports suggested the rioting was in retaliation to a collective disappointment of
“The Canucks are an awesome hockey team! I hope we beat the Whalers next week!” screamed one inebriated, clearly uninformed fan to another. Local journalists reported several incidents of people smashing store windows, burning cars and throwing flares into crowds simply because “it was a Wednesday.”
Local store owner Chris Mackenzie, 52, was baffled by the remorseless violence and disrespect shown outside his convenience store. “I was telling everyone to calm down, don’t worry, and that the Canucks will win the Cup next year…they all just stopped and stared blankly at me for a second and then bum-rushed me!. It was horrifying and confusing at the same time. Do these people not know WHY they are looting or beating me senseless?” exclaimed Mackenzie while being trampled without mercy.
Even several interviews with various passive onlookers of the chaos sprouted further evidence that no one had any fucking idea that the Canucks had just lost. “You’re kidding me, right!? I thought they played on Sunday? Against….aaaaaah. Some team. Can’t think of it now, but are you seeing this crazy shit!? AWESOME!” the fan said while he watched a group of drunk degenerates toss a cinder block through a nearby Toys R Us window.
At press time, thousands of rioters were collectively asking local reporters “what was the final score of the “Grizzlies game”.
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