India Really Giving North Korea A Run For Its Money For Title of 'Worst Place On Earth'

The Turnip News
North Korea’s title of “Worst Place on Earth” isn’t so untouchable after all – not if India has anything to say about it.

Although North Korea still retains that label today, India is nipping at their heels with a recent explosion of terrible rapes, more poverty, increasing violence and not to mention all the poisonous reptiles, insects and animals that kill people every  single day.

Of all the places to live on this planet, India is swiftly moving that much closer to being the one place on Earth you do NOT want to end up in.

As of press time, eight more rapes and 16 more deaths occurred, leaving it one murder away from tying North Korea for the coveted title...Wait a second.....Aaaaaaaaand it's now at #1! Congratulations India!
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Study: Children Who Are Dorks More Likely To Be Bullied

The Turnip News
Kids are at a higher risk of being bullied at school if they are absolute raging dweebs, according to a new review of 70 studies looking at Canadian elementary schools. The study revealed that children who are mocked or given wedgies on a regular basis, are almost always a dork in some form or another. Wearing ugly sweaters their mommy made them, sporting huge nerdy glasses or just being a sniveling little doofus all were contributing factors to kids being victimized by bigger, older, cooler bullies.  

 

“We found that if little Johnny was a cry-baby and had some kind of peanut allergy, bullies would target him rather than another kid who WASN’T a complete spazz,” said Professor David Wolke, from the University of Ottawa who headlined the research review.

“Take this kid from Windsor, Ontario for example,” explained Wolke showing a research video of some little punk being given a swirly in the boys washroom. “If this kid didn’t make it so obvious to everyone that he was a Nancy-Pants and collected Pokemon, he would have been left alone. But no, he got what he deserved unfortunately,” said Wolke.

Halle Berry Undergoes Sex Change

"My name is Hal Berry now."

Audience Realizing Movie’s Only Funny Parts Were In Trailer

BREAKING NEWS: All Kinds Of Crazy Shit Now Attacking Parliament

Area Man's Beta Fish Only Reason For Getting Out Of Bed In The Morning

BREAKING NEWS: Art Gallery Spider Attacking Parliament Hill

The Turnip News
Unexplained forces of supernatural evil has somehow breathed life into Ottawa’s Art Gallery spider that is now on a rampage around downtown Ottawa, destroying everything in its path. A slew of reporters are currently at the scene, along with thousands of fearful citizens running and screaming for their lives. 

“IT’S ALLLLIIVVVEE!!!,” screamed Jason Goldwell, 32, after looking up and seeing the arachnid abomination begin to climb up Parliament Hill’s Peace Tower.

As of press time, the giant 8-legged hell-beast had destroyed nearly all surrounding buildings and was seen near the top of the Peace Tower.

New Film Just 2-Hours Of Kate Upton Eating Fruit In Bikini

President, First Lady Unimpressed With Sasha’s New Boyfriend

“Someone Will Get Invaded For This, I Promise,” Exclaims Obama To Terrified World

“We could invade Canada for all I care... But make no mistake, our revenge will come in the form of invading someone, somewhere...soon.”

Justin Bieber Already Prepping Offensive Tweet About Boston Marathon Bombing

Festive North Korea Celebrates 101st Birthday With Colourful Streamers On Missiles Aimed At Us

Ottawa Cult Gathering Attracts Thousands

"We are here to see our Great Leader. She is the vessel that which carries our destiny and reason for existence. We are her disciples forever. Praise the TRUE Prophet, Oprah!," screamed cult member, Rita Donaldson, 41.

Westminster Dog Show Accused of Using Performance Enhancing Pugs

Bee Hives’ Newest Threat: Kamikaze Wasps