Oscar Pistorius Defense Team Argues Client Is A Cyborg

"How can you charge a robot with murder? It's absurd."

The Turnip News

A shocking twist in the Oscar Pistorius murder trial revealed a new defense strategy by the Paralympian’s team of lawyers: their client is a robot and robots can’t be charged with murder.

Alleging that Pistorius is a cybernetic end-oskeleton with intricate mechanical parts molded together under living tissue, the Defense argued that to charge this cyborg with murder is like putting a toaster oven on the witness stand.

“It’s absolutely absurd,” exclaimed David Richardson, a member of the Defense’s legal council. “How can the courts justify this charge when the evidence is right in front of them – look at his legs for Christ’s sake! He’s a goddamn robot!”

Further deliberations in court involved questioning friends and family about the validity of Pistorius' existence as a so called “human being” and whether or not he shared definitive characteristics of a living, breathing mammal.

“Can you be certain, without a shadow of a doubt, that your son, is in fact…human? Mrs. Pistorius?,” inquired Richardson to the defendant’s mother.

“….I can’t say for certain… but I’m pretty sure he’s man and not machine… I think…” she replied.

“No further questions, your honour,” exclaimed Richardson.

Tomorrow’s deliberations are expected to include in-court tests that will determine if Pistorius is capable of solving highly complex mathematical problems, dividing massive integers quickly or if he’s physically capable of experiencing human emotions of any kind. 

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PHOTO: An X-Ray camera in court took a specialized photograph of the Defendant to reveal if his insides were made of flesh and bone or rather an intricate set of machinery, buttons, lights and wires. 

Arabian Prince Unsure Why North American Relatives Always Delete His Emails

“I just want to keep in touch, but it’s like my messages are sent straight to Junk”
- Prince Arhub Dashani

The Turnip NewsArabian Prince Arhub Dashani is baffled as to why so many of his North American relatives never return or acknowledge his emails. Dashani, who has been consistently sending messages of good will along with family news from the Middle-East, has never once gotten a reply from his long-lost cousins, uncles or aunts living in various parts throughout Canada and the U.S.
“I just want to keep in touch, but it’s like my messages are sent straight to Junk,” said Dashani who was noticeably frustrated at the lack of responses. “I mean no harm, I only want to let my Western civilization brothers and sisters that I am doing well and if they ever need any money, I can easily send them large sums. I just need their account numbers so I can wire the money to them. It’s no problem at all.”

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Swiss Cheese Factory Shooting Turns Victim Into Very Product He Delivers

Matt Cooke Sneaks Into Erik Karlsson's Hospital Room To Finish The Job

The Turnip News
After the assassination attempt on Ottawa Senators’ Erik Karlsson failed, Pittsburgh Penguins controversial forward Matt Cooke snuck into his hospital room to finish the job.

Targeted for termination by an undisclosed source, Karlsson was supposed to die on the ice just last week after Cooke’s mismanaged murder attempt only left the Senators all-star defenceman with a severed achilles tendon.

Cooke knew his own life was in danger if he did not complete his mission. Disguised as a doctor, the fourth-line left-winger waltzed into Karlsson’s room while he was asleep following surgery and attempted to use his IV drip to inject poison into his bloodstream. However, his plan was foiled after hospital staff  walked in on Cooke trying to deliver the deadly serum. He then jumped out of the window and scaled down the hospital wall holding a walkee-talkee yelling “Abort! Abort! I’ve been compromised!”.

As of press time, Cooke was unavailable for comment and Karlsson increased his bed-side security to deter any other Penguin assassination attempts.

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Quiet, Polite Asian At Your Work Actually Loose Cannon If Slightly Provoked

Rihanna Overcooks Chris Brown’s Steak, Has No Idea Shit About To Hit Fan

The Turnip News

Reports have just surfaced that shit is about to hit the fan after Rihanna accidentally overcooked Chris Brown’s dinner, and the worst part: she has no idea what’s coming. Witnesses say Rihanna left the steak cooking on the BBQ for way too long, turning it into a dark, charcoaled slab of meat rather than a delicious meal for her boyfriend.

Upon realizing this tragic mistake Chris Brown reportedly is sitting in his chair, fuming, and is about to go ape-shit in just a minute. The fact that Rihanna has no clue she obliterated an otherwise savoury, marinated cut of expensive steak is making the scenario much more intense according to sources nearby. Rihanna is now staring blankly at Brown who much like a provoked Rottweiler, is fully capable of snapping at any moment. That moment is likely to occur in less than 40 seconds as Rihanna’s clueless, dumbfounded look on her face is only making Brown angrier and angrier.

The female R&B Pop singer is now getting a rush of nervousness carry over her as Brown’s hands begin to shake and clench up into fists. As of press time, Brown was still staring deep into Rihanna’s wide, fearful eyes, trying desperately to supress his building, pent-up rage.
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BlackBerry Releases iPhone 2

The Turnip News
Paving the way for 2013's cellular telephone devices, BlackBerry released its newest cornerstone in modern technology –
the iPhone 2.

Hoping to win back large portions of their customers and compete with ongoing rival Apple, BlackBerry took a bold step forward and gave the public something to be excited about once again.

“This is the ultimate advancement in cellular phone technology,” said BlackBerry spokesperson, Alicia Keys, while holding the brand new iPhone 2.

“It’s got a touchscreen, great ways to play games on things known as “apps” and it can even access the internet! If you ask me, it's way better than any device BlackBerry has ever put out on the market, period." The new device also includes a feature known as iChat where customers can text message, or call each other better, or something... The BlackBerry iPhone 2’s official release date of February 4^th 2013 is meant to bring back loyal customers, while also attracting new ones. The new touchscreen technology is what BlackBerry hopes will generate that consumer confidence. “Check this out… no buttons! You can scroll back and forth using just your finger! We got rid of the mouse ball thing to give you the newest technology 2013 has to offer!” You will never see anything in 2013 quite as advanced as the iPhone 2," she added.

Among the amazing features of the 2013 iPhone 2 is the ability to record video, text message other iPhones and play a brand new game called "Angry Birds".

"Let me tell you something - this new Angry Birds thing is so addictive. All of us here at BlackBerry are raving about this new game taking the industry by storm - Angry Birds is the next big thing, and you can only find it on our device: the iPhone 2," said Keys.

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