Malfunctioning Copier Decapitates Intern

                                                                                     
The Turnip News

ORLEANS - Sanford Marketing Inc. will be forced to hire another intern this summer after a horrible office equipment malfunction turned deadly yesterday. U of O student and recent work placement temporary employee, Todd Gaul, 22, was swiftly decapitated just after 2 p.m. by a malfunctioning photocopier in the Human Resources department. Witnesses reported hearing odd noises from the alleged copier as Gaul was using it, but paid no attention until they heard a loud “Shhhick!” sound.

“All I heard was this horrifying noise like someone had sliced a watermelon with a Samurai sword, and then it followed by what appeared to be, someone’s severed head hitting the carpet,” said co-worker Judy Willis. “I was right in the middle of a sweet game of solitaire when I heard the terrible sound,” she exclaimed.

It’s unclear who will now be responsible for doing morning coffee runs, photocopying in-voices or fetching more paper, but employees at Sanford’s are keeping a positive outlook on the otherwise, grim situation. “He will be missed, but I know we can all get through this rough time,” said Sales Director, Trevor Athana. “I’ve got a long list of replacement Interns we can get to photocopy our shit and work here day and night for free,” he said.

“We’re always moving forward here. As soon as one Todd Gaul loses his head, we have ten more lining up to take his place. That’s the kind of appealing work environment we have going on here.”
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