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Shouting Match Between Man And Vacuum Intensifying

The Turnip News
A shouting match between area man Derek Graser and his recently purchased Dirt Devil EZ 1200 vacuum cleaner reached heightened levels of emotion yesterday. Witnesses say Graser,41, was screaming at the household appliance for about ten minutes after learning the inanimate object wasn’t capable of sucking up significant piles of dirt without periodically shutting off every once in a while.

“This god-damn piece of shit! Why the hell do you keep turning off!!! Do your job!!!” screamed Graser at the upright-sitting vacuum that blankly stared back at the enraged human.
Sources close to Graser reported hearing some screaming, but quickly realized it was a matter between man and vacuum. 

BREAKING: Samuel L. Jackson Turns Down Movie Role

The Turnip News
Having appeared in over 87% of all the movies ever made in the history of cinema, veteran actor Samuel L. Jackson has turned down his first movie role, ever. Local screen-writer Ben Shaemus had written a script about a bank robber who turns his life around and thought Jackson would have been perfect for the role. Being that Jackson had never said no to a movie script, the virtually unknown writer mailed the script to the actor’s home.

“I was shocked when he contacted me and said he was going to pass,” said Shaemus who had already moved on to casting supporting roles, using the bait that Jackson was already attached to the project.

Jackson’s impressive repertoire of movies date back to Casablanca, It’s a Wonderful Life, Shawshank Redemption and even Titanic. Virtually any movie made in the history of film he was in. Name a movie… Braveheart? Yep, he’s in that too. Gladiator? You betcha.
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Gregory Cambell’s Broken Leg A Healthy Scratch For Game 4

 The Turnip News

Having suffered a broken right fibula after blocking a shot on the powerplay during Wednesday’s Game 3 of the Stanley Cup playoffs, Boston Bruin Gregory Cambell’s entire leg is now a healthy scratch for Friday’s Game 4. Teammates and coaches alike have already applauded Cambell’s resilience and toughness for battling past the injury, and demonstrate his willingness to play on one leg in Friday’s match-up with the Pittsburgh Penguins.

“It was amazing how he stayed on the ice after blocking that shot, he’s for sure a tough player,” exclaimed team captain Zdeno Chara. “We wish he could play with both legs on Friday, but it’s obvious his right one needs to sit out,” he added. Cambell admitted the injury (which is listed as “lower-body”) is a small set-back having to play with only one leg. “I whole-heartedly welcome the challenge and am excited to play Game 4,” he told reporters this morning.
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