Royal Wedding Ceremony Takes Backseat to Mr. Bean Antics

The Turnip News

LONDON - What was expected to be a historical day of celebration, turned out to be a string of hilarious mishaps, thanks to the accident-prone disasters of Mr. Bean.

Royal onlookers were shocked as the national icon of slapstick comedy shuffled nervously into the ceremony and accidentally knocked over the Queen into the wedding cake. The crowd later erupted in boisterous laughter upon watching Mr. Bean get his head stuck in the alter during the reading of the vows. Absolute side-stitching hilarity swiftly ensued after Mr. Bean was chased around by Security, who were unable to capture him.

Somehow getting into a pair of roller skates, Mr. Bean then managed to single-handedly topple over a 300-year-old golden monument, which then struck a wooden plank, simultaneously catapulting Prince Harry 20 feet in the air. Despite hurried attempts from Prince William and Kate to rush the ceremony, Mr. Bean somehow managed to hit the bride-to-be smack dab in the face with a banana cream pie, swiftly ending the magical, yet absolutely gut-splitting afternoon.
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Paul Walker Wins Best Actor Oscar

The Turnip News

ACADEMY AWARDS - In a shocking turnaround for an actor not typically known for his exceptional acting skills, 37-year-old actor Paul Walker was awarded his first ever Oscar last night for his performance in Fast Five, the latest instalment in The Fast and The Furious franchise.

Having already received a Golden Globe just months before his performance, Walker, however, was still not seen as the favourite going into last night’s Academy Awards ceremony. But as the envelope was opened and presented by four-time Oscar winner, Sean William Scott, the unthinkable became reality and Walker finally received his long-awaited accolade.

“This is a dream come true for me,” Walker told the audience, in a stone-like stare to nobody in particular while demonstrating no foreseeable emotion whatsoever.
“I can’t believe I’m holding this right now, bro,” he said after a long silence. Other big winners at last night’s gala included Ashton Kutcher’s best supporting Oscar for his role in Dude Where’s My Car?, and the Best Actress award, given to Anna Faris for her gripping, emotional portrayal of a Playboy Bunny in the critically-acclaimed, The House Bunny.
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Alcohol Sales Increase Due To Unemployed Booze-Hound

The Turnip News

OTTAWA – Retailers around the nation’s capital have recently seen a significant spike in alcohol sales, and reports confirmed it’s because of local drunk, Matthew Jameson, 29. The recently unemployed graphic designer has been battling alcohol addiction quietly for the past nine years, but now the absolute Lush, just recently, has had all the time in the world to feed that hunger out in the open and for all to see.

“We have seen that since Jameson was let go a few weeks ago (at Motion Control Systems Inc.), our sales have doubled,” said local LCBO Manager, Todd Nichols. “This has been due in large part to Jameson’s overwhelming need to get jacked up on beer, rum, vodka, tequila and wine. Most of our sales show that Jameson has been single-handedly drinking himself into oblivion, and we couldn’t be happier!”.

Jameson, the human-hard-liquor vortex, has reportedly been blowing his life savings in order to help fuel his overwhelmingly, destructive desire to get shit-faced, blackout, drunk everyday of the week. Financial statistics released just yesterday from StatsCan also revealed that Jameson spends upwards of $150 per day on getting blasted, and local retailers are reaping the benefits.

“The Ottawa economy is booming and it’s all thanks to ol’ gassed-up Carlos Boozer over there,” said Nichols while pointing to Jameson who was laying down in the wine aisle with his pants around his ankles, asleep but still holding a half-empty bottle of white in his lap.
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Bobby Trades Whitney To Ike For Tina

The Turnip News

HOLLYWOOD - In a shocking, public confession that appears to contradict many happy years of healthy marriage, Bobby Brown confirmed to reporters yesterday that he has traded his wife, Whitney, to Ike Turner in exchange for Ike’s current wife, Tina.

Both men held a press conference late yesterday afternoon to discuss the swap, along with both newly acquired spouses, who were not permitted to speak at any time during the entirety of the event. “Yes it’s true,” declared Bobby, side-by-side with newly possessed Tina, now his wife.
“Tina is mah bitch now. She gon do whateva I say, wheneva I say it,” emphasized Bobby to the crowd. Stepping in to give his two-sense was newly-Whitney-wed Ike Turner, now in sole possession of the Grammy-award-winning singer.

“Whitney is mine now and I couldn’t be happier… I’m thirsty, I need a draaank!,” stated Ike to nobody in particular. He then addressed Whitney directly and said “Bitch! I’m talkin’ to you! Go fetch me some Covasier, hoe!”. It’s unsure whether the new couples plan to socialize together after the merger, but sources close to Bobby and Ike claim “pimpin ain’t easy, but it’s necessaaary”.

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Man Too Broke To Buy Car Proud Of Doing His Part For Environment

The Turnip News

CUMBERLAND - A recently unemployed Ted Ryerson told reporters yesterday he is proud that his lack of financial stability to purchase an automobile has enabled him to do his inconsequential part to help the environment. “I just do what I can so this planet has a brighter future for our children,” explained Ryerson while waiting on the corner of 5^th Ave. for the next bus to take him to the grocery store. “That and the fact that I have no money to buy any type of car whatsoever,” he added.

Sources close to Ryerson confirmed his self-pride in walking everywhere, taking his bike to work and relying on transportation from family, friends and the occasional date. “By carpooling, we’re really making a conscious decision to reduce the amount of exhaust fumes in the atmosphere. That, and the fact that I wouldn’t even have enough cash to buy a Geo fucking Metro, let alone pay for a lease or any sort of insurance,” he said.

The soon-to-be-unemployment-insurance-registered Ryerson admitted although a car would help him get around easier, it’s a small sacrifice for the good of the planet. “Sure, I would like to head over to Blockbuster once in a while and NOT have the trip take me three hours, but I’m making a decision to go green." Ryerson was then unavailable for comment because he had to get on the #2 bus toward downtown, then hop on the #95 East route and hopefully catch a local bus in order to go pick up his laundry which had been in the dryer for over five hours.
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Iginla Likely Candidate For Hart Trophy After 19-Point Performance

The Turnip News

SPORTS - The NHL and its fans across the world witnessed the impossible last night after Calgary Flames captain, Jarome Iginla, became the front-runner for the Hart Trophy following an unbelievable performance in the last game of the regular season. Notting 11 goals and 8 assists against the Vancouver Canucks in a crazy 23-1 drubbing, Iginla has single-handedly catapulted his case to the top of the list as candidate for the coveted Hart Trophy, an award typically given to the top scorer in the regular season.

“I couldn’t believe what was happening,” said Flames forward Renee Bourque, who witnessed what most people are calling “fucking insane”.


“I mean the guy just kept lighting it up. Red light, red light, red light,” added Bourque while simultaneously making slapshot movements with his arms.

Iginla’s accomplishment made it the only time in NHL history a player has scored that many points in any game.  “What can I say, I’m fucking amazing and I was just waiting the whole season to bust out like this,” said Iginla after the game while sitting on a massive throne built of gold in the dressing room.
“I honestly just wanted to wait until the last minute before I stole the Hart Trophy away from that Swedish pansy Danielle (Sedin). It was hilarious. Why? Cuz fuck him, that’s why.”
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Ransom Note Free Of Errors, Spell Check Reports

The Turnip News

BARRHAVEN - A Microsoft Word document depicting shocking threats of violence toward a young girl if a ransom is not paid before sunset tomorrow, contained no grammatical or spelling errors, according to the program’s spell check.

The document, written by a psychotic child molester who kidnapped an 11-year-old student at a nearby elementary school, contained exceptional punctuation, grammar and sentence structure.

It’s not known if the young hostage is unharmed, but what is known was that a clear and concise 1-pager had no reason whatsoever to produce any results from the spell check, which automatically generated the pop-up box “The spelling and grammar check is complete”.

“Aside from the obvious seriousness of this note… I mean the guy threatens to murder this poor girl who has been missing for a few days now…It’s actually very well written and gets straight to the point,” exclaimed Joel Hamilton of the Kidnapping and Missing Persons division at RCMP HQ.

“Don’t get me wrong. There is some pretty disturbing shit in this, but it’s done so professionally, I gotta tip my hat to the sick bastard,” added Hamilton, who is nowhere near solving the case, nor does he have any leads of any kind.
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Award Recipient Needs to Take Wicked Shit

The Turnip News

NEPEAN - The 2010 Corporate Award for Sales recipient, Lewis Giralde, told himself that he had to take a massive shit during his photo-op, which placed him in a really awkward position amongst his peers.

Having to pose for several plaque-holding photographs for the Consumer Safety Commission of Canada’s corporate website, it was reported that Giralde maintained an air of professionalism while desperately forcing himself to clench up his butt-cheeks and smile for the camera. “Oh man, oh man, how much longer do I have to hold this god damn plaque!” thought Giralde while beginning to feel a turtle-head start to slowly poke out.

Unbeknownst to surrounding colleagues that he was about to full-on shit himself, Giralde used quick thinking and pretended to answer his cell phone so he could waddle out of the room towards the nearest bathroom. “Sorry gentleman, but I have to take this. I’ll be right back,” he exclaimed to his fellow board members while trying not to let them see the discomfort and beads of sweat coming down his forehead.

“Lord of Fuck! I’m going to annihilate this bathroom!” thought Giralde to himself before entering the men's room at the end of the hall and squatting out a rather large, horrible, vile deuce-and-a-half.
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Malfunctioning Copier Decapitates Intern

                                                                                     
The Turnip News

ORLEANS - Sanford Marketing Inc. will be forced to hire another intern this summer after a horrible office equipment malfunction turned deadly yesterday. U of O student and recent work placement temporary employee, Todd Gaul, 22, was swiftly decapitated just after 2 p.m. by a malfunctioning photocopier in the Human Resources department. Witnesses reported hearing odd noises from the alleged copier as Gaul was using it, but paid no attention until they heard a loud “Shhhick!” sound.

“All I heard was this horrifying noise like someone had sliced a watermelon with a Samurai sword, and then it followed by what appeared to be, someone’s severed head hitting the carpet,” said co-worker Judy Willis. “I was right in the middle of a sweet game of solitaire when I heard the terrible sound,” she exclaimed.

It’s unclear who will now be responsible for doing morning coffee runs, photocopying in-voices or fetching more paper, but employees at Sanford’s are keeping a positive outlook on the otherwise, grim situation. “He will be missed, but I know we can all get through this rough time,” said Sales Director, Trevor Athana. “I’ve got a long list of replacement Interns we can get to photocopy our shit and work here day and night for free,” he said.

“We’re always moving forward here. As soon as one Todd Gaul loses his head, we have ten more lining up to take his place. That’s the kind of appealing work environment we have going on here.”
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Office Skank Excited For Company Picnic

The Turnip News

OTTAWA - A jubilant group of single male employees at their Kanata-based consulting firm expressed sheer joy yesterday upon hearing that office skank, Debra Shulster, was excited for next week’s annual corporate fundraiser picnic.

According to internal memorandums, alcohol will once again be served at this year’s function, leading staff members to believe that “Debs will likely get blasted and make out with everyone.” Known for her overzealous attraction to booze, scandalous behaviour and slutty tendencies, Shulster told reporters she plans to “get the party started.”

“I can’t fucking wait and I hear they are going to be serving Margaritas!” said the fourth-year Communications Writer who has somehow managed to maintain her employment despite handing out dozens of flyers of her photocopied cooch to everyone at last year’s venue. “And don’t worry, I’m gonna make this year’s bash even better than before,” proudly exclaimed the corporate hooker as the dudes from the Marketing Department were allegedly giving each other high-fives and fist-pounds near Boardroom E.

“I’ve been waiting all year for this,” said an exuberant Josh Reid, who convinced Shulster to take a shit in the mailroom two summers ago. “Oh man, oh man, she’s so fired up too. I just KNOW she’s going to make a fool of herself and I’ll be right there with my video camera once again. I can’t freaking wait!.”
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