The Turnip News
OSHAWA - In what is being labeled as a “terrible scheduling mistake”, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge ran away screaming yesterday, fleeing for their lives upon accidentally winding up in the poverty and crime-ravaged crap hole that is Oshawa, Ontario. “We’re lucky to be alive,” said a visibly shaken and distraught Kate Middleton to reporters, while trying desperately to conceal her extreme terror. “Our first mistake was exiting the vehicle...,” she quivered just before breaking down and sobbing uncontrollably in a fit of paralyzing fear and shock. According to witnesses, a group of filth-ridden mongrels (known as Oshawans) smelled the newcomers’ arrival and began chasing them with pitch forks, shovels and dismembered human body parts, (likely from other tourists unlucky enough to have stopped in the pit-stain-sorry-excuse-for-a-town).
Although Will and Kate had an entourage of security to protect them, they still only managed to escape the “absolute shit-stain of a place” by the skin of their teeth. Police later confirmed several members of the Royal security squad were abducted and likely later tortured and killed in one of Oshawa’s many underground caves where most of the townsfolk live. “I just couldn’t believe that these sort of places existed in Ontario,” said William. “Dirty little kids walking around with no shoes on… Horribly disfigured mongoloids chasing us with hand-made weaponry… And that diner around the corner? Holy fuck. Talk about ghetto,” he added.
As of press time, the couple had managed to move on from the terrible ordeal and arrived at their initial destination of downtown Toronto where they made their scheduled public appearance. Will and Kate later made a heartfelt warning to all Canadians and human beings, pleading them to stay away from Oshawa if they knew what was good for them.
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Thank god we got out of there alive! I knew there was something shady about that diner.
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