City of Ottawa Bans Breathing Too Loudly

Ottawa is home to the first city in the world where breathing too loudly is now a crime.
By-Law officers will be targeting members of the public who exhale “way too loudly” or “breath in and out in an overemphasized, unnecessary manner.”

This newest By-Law passed by City Hall yesterday afternoon expects to rid the city of exasperated, whiney people who often sigh or pant without any foreseen reason, making it difficult for others to focus on being enslaved and over-regulated. Methods of determining infractions include equipping officers with a breathing apparatus they may use to determine if someone’s breathing is too loud. If that person is proven to have made a sigh above 0.0000042 decibels, that person may be subject to prosecution.

Granted some people are viewing the restriction as an infringement on their rights to breath however they choose, but many others are in favour.

“It’s about fucking time!” exclaimed Barry Shoulster, 32. “I need someone to tell me how to run my life and what to do every minute of every day. Why should breathing be any different?” he said. Shoulster was then handed several tickets by a nearby By-Law officer, citing infractions which included swearing, enthusiasm, speaking loudly and sweating. He is mandated to pay nearly $5,000 in fines by Halloween or the City of Ottawa By-Law Authority will visit his home, rape his wife and murder his children.

2016 Rio Summer Olympics to Introduce Marco-Polo



Olympians train for Marco-Polo event

The Turnip News
2016 Rio Olympics“It’s been a huge dream of mine to finally compete in an Olympic event,” said Canadian swimmer Alex McCarthy who will be part of Canada’s 2016 Marco-Polo team when the next summer Olympics are held in Rio.

“Now if you’ll excuse me… I’ve got to get back to my training,” exclaimed McCarthy who steadily maneuvered himself around the shallow end of the swimming pool while his teammate strategically tried to find him with his eyes closed by yelling out “Marco!” to which McCarthy was forced to whisper back.. “polo….”.

These athletes have been training non-stop for the past six months and know how much is at stake and the skill involved. “You’ve got to be able to listen carefully to others responding “Polo” while you are blind and have to rely on your instincts alone,” said American competitor Marcus Palson.

“It’s also hard the other way. You try to be really quiet and dodge the other guy coming at you, and avoid getting touched,” he added. “The benefit is of course, you can see and he can’t.”

Palson then continued on with his training, amazingly catching someone out of the pool in mid-scrum “FISH OUTTA WATER!!! FISH OUTTA WATER!!!” GOTCHA!!!”.

Each team of Marco-Polo Olympians will compete with hopes of winning a gold medal and a pair of complimentary orange floaties. Other new summer sports to be introduced in 2016 include the Bean Bag Toss and the very popular Eye-Spy-With-My-Little-Eye, an event typically dominated by the Chinese.
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