The Turnip News
A unified umbrella of excitement encompassed the nation’s drug dealers
yesterday after ongoing news suggested that Justin Bieber may be headed for an
epic meltdown.
The possibility of a nervous breakdown has gotten drug dealers across the
country chomping at the bit to make a fortune off the possibility of Bieber
scoring copious amounts of narcotics.
“This is a great time to sell drugs,” said area kingpin DeMarcus Smith who has
been dealing heroin, crytal meth and marijuana for the last seven years.
“We’re on the verge of making some serious cash. I’ve got all my resources
letting Bieber know that when he needs us, we’re just a phone call away.”
Dealers have also been deliberately saving their product in order to have a
massive stash ready for when they get the call. “I can’t contain my excitement
for when that happens,” said Jeremy Boulding who sells mainly ecstasy.
“When he calls, I’m gonna have a shit-ton of drugs for the little guy. And if
he buys in bulk, I’ll of course give him a discount. The more drugs he buys
from me, the better,” said Boulding.
No reports have actually proven Bieber is taking drugs, but the pop star did
recently call a dealer living in California and asked if he could buy $340 worth of
smack for his “friend”.
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Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Understandably Depressed Soccer Referee Thinks To Self “There’s Gotta Be More To Life Than This”
While standing on the sidelines of a soccer match being played in front of 130,000 screaming fans, professional soccer referee Hanz Farhan, 34, sadly pondered to himself if this was the only thing life would ever have to offer him.
Half-hazardly trudging up and down the pitch holding his whistle, Farhan couldn’t help but wonder if his life would remain as stagnant as it is now – watching grown men prance around on grass in a never-ending scoreless tie for the rest of his life.
“Ugh,” he muttered to himself as another ball was kicked out of bounds.
“It’s gotten to the point where even giving out red cards bore me to death,” said Farhan to absolutely no one listening. “I just wish there was more to life than this, ya know?” he later asked himself, hoping someone was around to engage in conversation.
As the championship game ended at 0-0 with a shootout needed to decide a winner, Farhan was reportedly heard sobbing as he placed the ball in front of the goal. His exasperated breathing also made it difficult for him to blow his whistle.
“I can’t believe this is what my life is now,” he thought as he motioned for whatever player to come kick the ball.
The shootout ended and Farhan left the stadium more and more depressed with each passing hour. He later contemplated suicide knowing next week he had to ref the Euro Cup Final match.
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Monday, March 25, 2013
Foot Locker Employee Treating You Like 8-Year-Old Wants To Know If You’ve Got Enough Room There
The Turnip News
A Foot Locker employee is currently kneeling down and pressing your big
toe because he wants to know if that shoe fits you okay, despite the fact that you are an adult and don't need any help determining if a shoe is comfortable or not.
"So how does that feel? Is there enough room there?" he continues as if you were an 8-year-old who can’t decide for himself if the shoes fit. Reports indicated that prior to handing you the shoes, he also laced them up because shoe laces are apparently foreign to you and you are not capable of properly doing that yourself.
"Why don’t you try this one on, and I’ll get started on the other," the employee had said, clearly not trusting your ability to lace up a fucking shoe.
Witnesses said you are currently standing with one shoe on, looking at the mirror sideways as the employee hovers next to you like a god-damn vulture.
"Now you’re SURE it’s not too snug? I can go get you a size 10 if you want. Here… let me check where your toes meet up one more time," the adolescent high-school student said to you as he knelt down once again.
"That feels like you’ve got enough room…"
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Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Friday, March 15, 2013
Breaking Bad Series Twist Has Hank Pursuing Willy Wonka, Not Walt
“Oh my God… W.W….
It's Willy Wonka Who's Cooking The Meth! ...He’s Heisenberg!!!!”
Thursday, March 14, 2013
CTV’s ‘Criminal Minds’ Voted Best Show Nobody Watches
Results from a television popularity poll were released today, revealing the show Criminal Minds currently airing on CTV is “the best show nobody watches.”
Starring Joe Mantegna, Thomas Gibson and Paget Brewster, the show is allegedly about a group of CSI-type people who do crime-solving-related stuff, apparently. Our reviewers never actually watched an episode of the show, which is rumoured to be in its eighth season. Really? Eight seasons? No shit!
The results of the popularity poll were generated by compiling data such as number of episodes on a viewer’s PVR, how often the show is brought up in conversation, the number of times it’s mentioned in social situations and how many people actually have heard of program.
Other CTV television programs that made the list after Criminal Minds included Arrow, Castle, Blue Bloods and The Following.
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Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Real Life Pocahontas A Vile, Bushy Beast Of A Woman
Despite what the animated story may tell you about a beautiful native woman who lives in the forest and falls in love with a white settler, the real-life person is actually quite atrocious, according to witnesses.
Living deep in the bushes with her tribe just outside of Kelowna, B.C, the real-life Pocahontas weighs nearly 300 pounds, uses bark as a tooth-brush and is extremely violent when approached by outsiders. She allegedly smells of ‘rotten vegetables’ and has a ‘grotesque, mud-covered face’.
A film documentary crew made the discovery last week as part of an ongoing project to bring the Disney classic tale to life. What they witnessed was nothing less than shocking.
“We were told the ‘real Pocahontas’ was just beyond those bushes,” said film director Terrence McCann while trudging through a deep wooded area. “But when we saw a clearing, this behemoth of a woman charged at us holding some kind of shank made from an elephant tusk,” he said. “There was blood all over her hands.”
Other film crew members also remember the horrific shrieking sounds made by the screaming, filth-ridden forest dweller.
“I almost shit my pants,” said Gary Shappero, the crew’s sound editor. “We got some great footage, but the documentary is going to resemble nothing like the Disney movie. This is some disturbing, scary shit,” he added.
As of press time that evening, the film crew were nervously huddled around a fire as Pocahontas screamed out ancient native death cries every few minutes while awaiting her chance to jump out and stab someone.
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Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Pizza Pizza In Chinatown Now Owned By Lebanese Couple’s Greek Son-In-Law
The Turnip News
The Chinatown location of a Pizza Pizza restaurant is now owned by a retired Lebanese couple’s Greek son-in-law. The lease was taken over by Gregory Palapatoose, 31, last week after Lebanese couple Mahmoud and Reena Sharmali retired, handing over the business to their daughter’s husband.
Palapatoose, a well-known member of the Chinatown community, has vowed to spice things up and will bring in some new promotions in order to revitalize the recently struggling restaurant.
“We’re going to offer the tastiest, best quality Italian foods in all of Chinatown!” said Palapatoose, who was born and raised in Greece, until moving to Ottawa and meeting his current Lebanese wife when he was 28.
“We offer pizza, pasta, calzones and garlic bread. You can’t get that variety or quality anywhere else this side of the Great Wall!” he added, while pointing to a scaled-down replica of China’s Great Wall that introduces commuters to the neighbourhood.
“My Italian-inspired cuisine located in the heart of Chinatown is always a perfect choice for my Lebanese in-laws and Greek family.”
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