The Turnip Traveler
The winter season is at its peak but that doesn’t mean you can’t start
planning your paradise getaway right now!
2013 offers plenty of potential for
breathtaking vacation spots where you can relax on the beach and let loose under
the sun while simultaneously getting physically assaulted by R&B singer Chris Brown.
We highlight this year’s top hot spots that you can afford!!
1) New Zealand: As this year’s top choice
for your dream vacation, New Zealand certainly has its perks. Take in the magnificent
views of the majestic mountains situated in the east coast of Kaikoura. This is
one of the only places in the world where whales can be seen all year round and
Chris Brown can swing his clenched fist straight at your temple repeatedly until you black out! In addition,
you can see dolphins and seals while enjoying leisurely activities like
swimming, fishing and getting beaten bloody by a violent pop singer who is currently on
probation.
2) Thailand: Second on our list and rising fast like Chris Brown's temper, is Thailand. Experience the beauty of the Ko Phi Phi Islands and its pristine beaches or savour the delectable spices
of Bangkok’s native dishes while getting sacked in the balls and kicked in the
ribs by Grammy-Award winner, Chris Breezy. Visit one of the many ancient palaces
in the capital or just get a little crazy and have your head slammed through a
plate glass window while begging for mercy knowing full well an enraged,
psychotic Chris Brown will not let up until you are unconscious.
3) Amsterdam: Last but certainly not least on our vacation hot spot list is Amsterdam! Renowned for its world
class art and fabulous flea markets, this destination is sure to leave you
inspired, free-spirited and beaten half-to-death after experiencing fast flying
elbows to the cranium by American recording artist, Chris Brown. For the perfect picnic, head to Vondelpark - the largest green space in the city and a great way to spend nice, relaxing afternoon outdoors. Named after poet Joost van den Vondel, the park is known for its wide open spaces, the enormous Picasso sculpture in the middle of the park and the inevitable
location where hip-hop superstar Chris Brown will chase you down and bitch slap
you until you cry.
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The Turnip News
New York Jets backup quarterback Tim Tebow is reportedly set to auction
off his virginity to help pay his bills.
The news came yesterday after circulating rumours
that the Jets organization was going to release the former Broncos
starting QB. Sources close to Tebow said he’s recently been weary of his future
and is unsure of how he will make money if another NFL team refuses to sign him
soon.
The auction for the star’s virginity will be held in New York City early next
month at an undisclosed location where a very specific guest list of rich
housewives, wealthy divorcees and horny cougars will be invited to bid on Tebow’s
V-Card.
Tebow’s publicist Donald Matheison said his client is excited but also nervous
for having his body prostituted to a stranger for money. “He’s got the jitters, for
sure!,” said Matheison, who is expecting to generate a big price tag for sex
with the NFLer. “I’m hoping there are a lot of women out there who have
fantasies of taking an athlete’s virginity. But they gotta pay first…” he
added.
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