The Turnip News
Sources close to you reported they are about to witness a ketchup explosion of
epic proportions as you prepare your hamburger in the kitchen. You were last
seen holding the bottle over your soon-to-be-ruined meal just before an excess
of the condiment spews out in large amounts and fucks up your burger. A witness
told reporters that “just wait… it’s about to happen. You can’t squeeze a full
bottle that much, have nothing come out and expect that when it does, it’s
going to be a small amount. He’s totally screwed.”
As of press time you were still squeezing the bottle even harder while
squinting and subconsciously awaiting the inevitable backlash of a
terribly-designed Heinz product that will surely ruin your lunch and your day.
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Thursday, March 7, 2013
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Chief Theresa Spence Goes On Oxygen Strike
“I will not breathe until Mr. Harper meets with me.”
The Turnip News
Prime Minister Stephen Harper told Attawapiskat First Nation Chief Theresa Spence not to hold her breathe regarding a meeting anytime soon.
The controversial Spence told reporters this afternoon she had just begun an oxygen strike until Harper meets with her to discuss government treatment of her tribe. “Here goes!” exclaimed a wide-eyed Spence right before taking a deep breath and holding it in. There was no denying her dedication to her cause because after a few minutes her puffed out cheeks began to turn blue and her eyeballs started to roll up into her fat forehead.
Unfortunately for Spence, Harper announced he will not succumb to this type of negotiating tactic, even if the Chief is currently laying flat out on the ground, unconscious.
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The Turnip News
Prime Minister Stephen Harper told Attawapiskat First Nation Chief Theresa Spence not to hold her breathe regarding a meeting anytime soon.
The controversial Spence told reporters this afternoon she had just begun an oxygen strike until Harper meets with her to discuss government treatment of her tribe. “Here goes!” exclaimed a wide-eyed Spence right before taking a deep breath and holding it in. There was no denying her dedication to her cause because after a few minutes her puffed out cheeks began to turn blue and her eyeballs started to roll up into her fat forehead.
Unfortunately for Spence, Harper announced he will not succumb to this type of negotiating tactic, even if the Chief is currently laying flat out on the ground, unconscious.
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Soccer Milestone Celebrated As 10th Goal is Scored in Sport’s History
The Turnip News
You couldn’t have written it any better.
A gorgeous strike by Manchester United’s Wayne Rooney in the 2,009,567th minute against Bayern FC that broke a scoreless tie and solidified the historical match in the record books forever – the coveted 10th goal ever scored in any game ever played in the history of soccer throughout the whole world.
Soccer had been anticipating this magnificent accomplishment for nearly a decade and it couldn’t have come any sooner. Deadlocked for nearly a decade at nine total goals ever scored in the world at any soccer game ever played, many sports analysts wondered if that 10th goal would ever reach the highlight reel. But it finally did and hundreds of soccer fans around the world rejoiced in unison as the total number of goals ever scored in their sport finally reached double-digits.
Rooney, who has played in numerous championship matches in his career said this particular victory was special. “I’m just glad SOMEONE scored, ya know?” exclaimed Rooney holding a juice box in one hand and a watermelon slice in the other. “I’ve played in some big games, and most of them ended in scoreless ties…this goal was not only big for me, but for the sport. I just hope it doesn’t take another 150 years to score another 10 goals,” added Rooney being optimistically delusional referring to when soccer became formalized in 1863.
The rate at which soccer goals have been scored over the last 50 years equates to about one goal every 15 years so the magnitude of reaching the milestone of this achievement is truly amazing.
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Toronto Mayor Becomes 4th Largest Man in North America
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford became the 4th largest man in North America yesterday, according to the City of Toronto’s latest Obesity Dashboard report. Weighing in at just over 795 lbs, Ford is smaller only to three other males in the entire continent. The report lists Aaron McDougal, 47, of Louisiana, Tennessee as the largest man weighing in at almost one ton.
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Monday, March 4, 2013
Disaster Looms As Samuel L. Jackson Signs On For ‘Snakes’ Sequel
The Turnip News
Hollywood let out a collective gasp of horror and shock last week when it was announced that Samuel L. Jackson, one of today’s most prolific movie icons, agreed to star in the upcoming film “Snakes On A Train”. The sequel to the 2002 flop “Snakes On A Plane” generated a total domestic gross of a mere $34 million and was labeled as “one of the worst movies ever” by Rolling Stone Magazine. A leaked trailer for the sequel is now online and includes a god-awful, gut-wrenching scene with the 64-year-old actor looking into the camera and saying “What’s with all these mutha fuckin snakes on this mutha fuckin train!?”.
The Hollywood Free Press reported that many actors, directors and members of the general public who saw the trailer, simultaneously jumped into oncoming highway traffic after being unable to get the sequel’s images out of their heads. It was even reported that one of Jackson’s agents took a power drill to his temple upon hearing about the movie’s plot summary and cast members. The movie will allegedly be set entirely on a train where a group of Russian militants accidentally unleash crates of rare, poisonous snakes onto a VIA Rail train. And that’s all it says. That’s the plot in its entirety. Yes, it’s true.
The film will be released next Christmas and will likely set back African-Americans by at least 60 years, experts say.
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Hollywood let out a collective gasp of horror and shock last week when it was announced that Samuel L. Jackson, one of today’s most prolific movie icons, agreed to star in the upcoming film “Snakes On A Train”. The sequel to the 2002 flop “Snakes On A Plane” generated a total domestic gross of a mere $34 million and was labeled as “one of the worst movies ever” by Rolling Stone Magazine. A leaked trailer for the sequel is now online and includes a god-awful, gut-wrenching scene with the 64-year-old actor looking into the camera and saying “What’s with all these mutha fuckin snakes on this mutha fuckin train!?”.
The Hollywood Free Press reported that many actors, directors and members of the general public who saw the trailer, simultaneously jumped into oncoming highway traffic after being unable to get the sequel’s images out of their heads. It was even reported that one of Jackson’s agents took a power drill to his temple upon hearing about the movie’s plot summary and cast members. The movie will allegedly be set entirely on a train where a group of Russian militants accidentally unleash crates of rare, poisonous snakes onto a VIA Rail train. And that’s all it says. That’s the plot in its entirety. Yes, it’s true.
The film will be released next Christmas and will likely set back African-Americans by at least 60 years, experts say.
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Thursday, February 28, 2013
Oscar Pistorius Defense Team Argues Client Is A Cyborg
"How can you charge a robot with murder? It's absurd."
The Turnip News
A shocking twist in the Oscar Pistorius murder trial revealed a new defense strategy by the Paralympian’s team of lawyers: their client is a robot and robots can’t be charged with murder.
Alleging that Pistorius is a cybernetic end-oskeleton with intricate mechanical parts molded together under living tissue, the Defense argued that to charge this cyborg with murder is like putting a toaster oven on the witness stand.
“It’s absolutely absurd,” exclaimed David Richardson, a member of the Defense’s legal council. “How can the courts justify this charge when the evidence is right in front of them – look at his legs for Christ’s sake! He’s a goddamn robot!”
Further deliberations in court involved questioning friends and family about the validity of Pistorius' existence as a so called “human being” and whether or not he shared definitive characteristics of a living, breathing mammal.
“Can you be certain, without a shadow of a doubt, that your son, is in fact…human? Mrs. Pistorius?,” inquired Richardson to the defendant’s mother.
“….I can’t say for certain… but I’m pretty sure he’s man and not machine… I think…” she replied.
“No further questions, your honour,” exclaimed Richardson.
Tomorrow’s deliberations are expected to include in-court tests that will determine if Pistorius is capable of solving highly complex mathematical problems, dividing massive integers quickly or if he’s physically capable of experiencing human emotions of any kind.
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The Turnip News
A shocking twist in the Oscar Pistorius murder trial revealed a new defense strategy by the Paralympian’s team of lawyers: their client is a robot and robots can’t be charged with murder.
Alleging that Pistorius is a cybernetic end-oskeleton with intricate mechanical parts molded together under living tissue, the Defense argued that to charge this cyborg with murder is like putting a toaster oven on the witness stand.
“It’s absolutely absurd,” exclaimed David Richardson, a member of the Defense’s legal council. “How can the courts justify this charge when the evidence is right in front of them – look at his legs for Christ’s sake! He’s a goddamn robot!”
Further deliberations in court involved questioning friends and family about the validity of Pistorius' existence as a so called “human being” and whether or not he shared definitive characteristics of a living, breathing mammal.
“Can you be certain, without a shadow of a doubt, that your son, is in fact…human? Mrs. Pistorius?,” inquired Richardson to the defendant’s mother.
“….I can’t say for certain… but I’m pretty sure he’s man and not machine… I think…” she replied.
“No further questions, your honour,” exclaimed Richardson.
Tomorrow’s deliberations are expected to include in-court tests that will determine if Pistorius is capable of solving highly complex mathematical problems, dividing massive integers quickly or if he’s physically capable of experiencing human emotions of any kind.
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PHOTO: An X-Ray camera in court took a specialized
photograph of the Defendant to reveal if his insides were made of flesh and
bone or rather an intricate set of machinery, buttons, lights and wires.
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