Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Report: Local Wal-Mart With In-Store McDonald’s Achieves Perfect Level Of Greed And Gluttony
The Turnip News
A report released a few minutes ago evaluating a
local Wal-Mart stated that the corporate giant recently reached an exceptional
level of both greed and gluttony now that an in-store McDonald’s was recently
added. Prior to the addition, greed was the overwhelming favourite at the store, but experts are now saying fast-food has equalized the paradigm shift creating a perfect balance of unnecessary spending and over-consumption of fatty foods and soft drinks.
The report, which was released by Natural Resources Canada, also highlighted a proud balance of people with criminal records and those with charges pending.
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Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Extorted Inmate’s Mom Forced To Bake Cookies For Entire Cell-Block
One of Pelican Bay Federal Penitentiary’s extorted prisoners, Lester Coleman, 31, is forced to have his mom bake cookies for his entire cell-block or face violent consequences from inmates.
Currently serving four years for tax evasion and insider trading, Coleman lives in a cell shared with 11 other prisoners, all awaiting sentencing for convicted crimes ranging from home invasions to first-degree murder. Coleman’s only chance at avoiding daily assaults and group beatings is by having his mother, Betty Coleman, 74, bake several dozen assorted flavoured cookies each week to ensure her son’s safety.
“I love them cookies, ya dig!” exclaimed a man known only as “Rocko”, one of Coleman’s cellmates. “Good Ol’ Misses Lester betta keep on sendin’ us dat shit or I’mma whoop dis muha fucka right here!,” he exclaimed while pointing at a visibly distraught Coleman, curled up on the corner of his bed rocking back and forth.
“People in here get extorted, QUICK ya know? If someone is weak, den I’d extort them in a heart-beat, fa showe. In a fuckin’ heart beat,” added Rocko. Coleman is eligible for parole in less than a year, but could be out sooner due to good behaviour – a reality known to his cellmates who want to keep him there, however.
“They heard I can get out soon so they are trying to set me up with drugs, or force me to beat up a guard. All kinds of crap…” whispered Coleman to reporters right before recess in the yard.
“You gotta help me!,” he pleaded before being dragged out of bed by an inmate and forced to fight him.
“G.A.B.O.S, Sucka! Rememba that shit! The Game Ain’t Based On Sentiment,” exclaimed an unknown inmate right before sucker punching Coleman in the back of the head.
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Monday, January 7, 2013
That Annoying Bitch From Work Just Added You To Facebook
The Turnip News
Reports have surfaced that Rita Alvera, 46, the pretentious kiss-ass bitch who works down the hall has just added you to Facebook.
It was unbeknownst as to why Alvera sent you a Friend Request after years of acting better than you, talking behind your back and allegedly playing a role in your supervisor giving you a warning for internet surfing during office hours.
It was unbeknownst as to why Alvera sent you a Friend Request after years of acting better than you, talking behind your back and allegedly playing a role in your supervisor giving you a warning for internet surfing during office hours.
You were also equally surprised when that two-faced back-stabbing cunt-face walked up to your cubicle and confirmed she wanted you to accept her request.
“Hey you! Found you on Facebook last night after work hours while I was at home during my leisure time! When you get a chance outside of company-paid time on a break or something, add me, k!?!”, she exclaimed as you pretended to maintain a fake-smile, but secretly wanting to throw a rock at her fucking head.
“Okay Rita! Will do!” you replied before muttering something under your breath as she was seen skipping away, likely heading to the manager’s office to anonymously complain that people at work surf the internet way too much during company time. Bitch!
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Friday, January 4, 2013
Lululemon Shares Plummet After Rosie O’Donnell Spotted Jogging in Park
The Turnip News
Popular yoga apparel company Lululemon watched horrifyingly as their stock fell an astonishing 12 points overnight following a public citing of Rosie O’Donnell jogging while wearing a pair of the brand’s pants.
Hefty in her bulge and rife with sweat pouring out of every orifice, the talk show host was seen briskly waddling around a local park, gasping and wheezing in between every choking breath. Her plump, rotunde figure created unimaginable and fantastic shapes with each movement of her torso. Like a large jelly-fish pulsating through the water at molasses-like speed, O'Donnell single-handedly delivered a terrible blow to the once thriving business.
And with each stomp of her bulbous feet slamming onto the cold concrete in some kind of fat pattern of misguided attempts at weight loss, Lululemon saw its stock lower and lower and lower.
“On the cusp of one of our best years ever in this business, I’m ashamed to admit that our stockholders are now very upset having seen footage of Rosie jogging while wearing XXL-sized pants without logo imprinted on them,” said Lululemon spokesperson Erin Hochstein. “To our credit, the pants were about three sizes too small, so it’s not completely our fault.”
Company stakeholders were reportedly seen selling their shares faster than Rosie could inhale two breakfast sandwiches at once.
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Hefty in her bulge and rife with sweat pouring out of every orifice, the talk show host was seen briskly waddling around a local park, gasping and wheezing in between every choking breath. Her plump, rotunde figure created unimaginable and fantastic shapes with each movement of her torso. Like a large jelly-fish pulsating through the water at molasses-like speed, O'Donnell single-handedly delivered a terrible blow to the once thriving business.
And with each stomp of her bulbous feet slamming onto the cold concrete in some kind of fat pattern of misguided attempts at weight loss, Lululemon saw its stock lower and lower and lower.
“On the cusp of one of our best years ever in this business, I’m ashamed to admit that our stockholders are now very upset having seen footage of Rosie jogging while wearing XXL-sized pants without logo imprinted on them,” said Lululemon spokesperson Erin Hochstein. “To our credit, the pants were about three sizes too small, so it’s not completely our fault.”
Company stakeholders were reportedly seen selling their shares faster than Rosie could inhale two breakfast sandwiches at once.
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Thursday, January 3, 2013
Gary Bettman Interrupts CBA Discussions To Ask What The “C” Stands For
The Turnip News
Gary Bettman shocked the hockey world yesterday during Collective Bargaining Agreement (CBA) discussions in New York when he interrupted delegations to inquire what the “C” represented. “I have a question before we continue!” he blurted out just before NHLPA executive director Donald Fehr was about to commence his opening statements for the day.
“This acronym we all keep using…I know it’s Bargaining Agreement, but the C part… what’s that stand for?,” inquired Bettman to a silent and obviously stupefied audience of both players and owners. “Cooperative? It’s cooperative isn’t it?” continued Bettman gazing at a room of wide-eyed colleagues and nearby reporters trying to take in what had just happened right in front of them.
That moment had marked the 110th day of NHL lockout meetings, as well as the single most quiet moment in discussion history between players and owners.
“You could honestly hear a pin drop. It was THAT quiet,” a puzzled Sidney Crosby told reporters afterward. “I remember thinking to myself ‘did he just say that? He’s not serious, right?”.
Bettman later apologized for his interruption and insisted he was only “joking in order to lighten the mood.” He even back-peddled as far as to say he was mis-quoted.
“Look, before you all blow this out of proportion, just know that I am the commissioner of the NHL and I obviously know that the C stands for Collective,” he insisted.
“Collective Bargaining Agency, okay. There. Now can discuss more important issue like how we plan to get this game back on the field!?”.
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“This acronym we all keep using…I know it’s Bargaining Agreement, but the C part… what’s that stand for?,” inquired Bettman to a silent and obviously stupefied audience of both players and owners. “Cooperative? It’s cooperative isn’t it?” continued Bettman gazing at a room of wide-eyed colleagues and nearby reporters trying to take in what had just happened right in front of them.
That moment had marked the 110th day of NHL lockout meetings, as well as the single most quiet moment in discussion history between players and owners.
“You could honestly hear a pin drop. It was THAT quiet,” a puzzled Sidney Crosby told reporters afterward. “I remember thinking to myself ‘did he just say that? He’s not serious, right?”.
Bettman later apologized for his interruption and insisted he was only “joking in order to lighten the mood.” He even back-peddled as far as to say he was mis-quoted.
“Look, before you all blow this out of proportion, just know that I am the commissioner of the NHL and I obviously know that the C stands for Collective,” he insisted.
“Collective Bargaining Agency, okay. There. Now can discuss more important issue like how we plan to get this game back on the field!?”.
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