Celebrities Hosts Fundraiser for Endangered Two-Headed Turtles

The Turnip News
Movie stars, film producers and famous directors all gathered last night to help raise awareness for what is deemed as a “significant threat” to our country’s two-headed turtle population. The fundraiser hosted at George Clooney’s estate in the Hollywood Hills attracted hundreds of motion picture icons as well as conservation and wildlife activists.

“Did you know that one-in-three two-headed turtles will die each year before they reach maturity?” exclaimed Matt Damon. “I mean… seeing as how there are only three, two-headed turtles in the world, it really is shocking. We have to step up to the plate and find a way to help save these rare species of freak genetic mutation,” he added.

When asked about why the celebrities were not creating a fundraiser for something more common like cancer, diabetes or AIDS, many of the actors took offence. “How dare you bring that up here! We’re here to fight for something noble. The two-headed turtle is nearly extinct and all you can think of is cancer? Get out!,” said Sean Penn angrily.

The evening raised a total of $46 million to ensure the survival of one of three, two-headed turtles. “And with your support next year, we can hopefully earn enough to help support the other two…” said Bono.
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Meth Smoking Detroit Mayor Envies Rob Ford’s Minute Addiction

The Turnip News
Full-blown Meth addict and known drug dealer, Detroit Mayor Mike Duggan told reporters that embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford doesn’t know how lucky he has it.
“He smoked crack once a year ago and gets drunk all the time? That’s it? Well excuse me, Mr. George Bailey,” exclaimed Duggan who is currently on trial for possession of narcotics, attempting to distribute an illegal substance, resisting arrest, fighting a police officer, extortion and money laundering.
“I think if he walked a day in my shoes, he’d realize his life is just peachy. I mean I’ve got a ton more problems, but I’m still Mayor!” said Duggan, who was recently re-elected for a another term.

New Video Footage From 1941 Proves Mayor Ford Was A Nazi

Mayor with 'nothing left to hide' will have some explaining to do after new video footage along with this photograph from 1941 clearly show that Mayor Rob Ford was a Nazi.

Toronto Mayor Decides To Go Down With Ship, Openly Smokes Crack In Media Scrum

 

“Fuck it, who has a light?.”

The Turnip News

With nowhere else to turn and no other lies to hide behind, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford decided to confront his demons right there in front of City Hall, and let it all out. “I’m a liar and a scumbag,” he proclaimed to a group of visibly shocked journalists, all recording his every word and move. “I smoke crack all the time and here…and to prove it I’m gonna do that right now. Fuck it, who has a light?” said the mayor as several excited reporters scrambled to hand Mr. Ford a spark for his now openly visible crack pipe.

As if instructing himself to smoke the illegal narcotic, Ford mumbled to himself as he pressed the pipe to his fat lips. “You just put the stuff in here… pack it in and then… ya light it, and puff away… hmmm, that’s nice,” he continued as he took heaping gulps of the crack smoke.

Mayor Ford Wakes Up Tomorrow Morning In Drunken Stupor, Relieved It Was All A Bad Dream.

The Turnip News

TORONTO - "Phew," exclaimed Mayor Ford to himself, holding his hand on his forehead and realizing yesterday's events were all just a bad dream. "That horrible nightmare had me openly admitting to the media that I had smoked crack once. Awful," said a visibly hungover Ford who had just awoken from another drunken stupor.