Thursday, September 26, 2013
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Team U.S & A Clinches 7th Straight Field Kicker Ball Whatever In Upcoming Global World Cup Of Whatever.
The Turnip News
Reports from alleged American sports analysts are telling us that some sort of Team USA kickball club (or team.. group?) has apparently clinched their 7th straight berth into a tournament called the Global World Cup of…whatever it is. We’re not entirely sure what the sport is called, exactly, but it allegedly involves people running around on a grass field, kicking (or hoofing?) a checkered ball inflated with either air, or water (we’re pretty sure it’s air). They run around and kick it at each other – what they do after that is anyone’s guess, we are reporting.
Reports from alleged American sports analysts are telling us that some sort of Team USA kickball club (or team.. group?) has apparently clinched their 7th straight berth into a tournament called the Global World Cup of…whatever it is. We’re not entirely sure what the sport is called, exactly, but it allegedly involves people running around on a grass field, kicking (or hoofing?) a checkered ball inflated with either air, or water (we’re pretty sure it’s air). They run around and kick it at each other – what they do after that is anyone’s guess, we are reporting.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Michael Vick’s Dog-Fighting-Ring Better Hidden This Time Around
It’s the beginning of the NFL season and Michael Vick says he doesn’t want
any distractions. Helping the Philadelphia Eagles win games, make the playoffs
and bring home a SuperBowl title are his top priorities – well, that and making
sure he gets rid of any loose ends linking him to his underground dog fighting
ring. Having been caught once before, Vick is in a new frame of mind and is
more focused than ever, said the convicted felon who made sure to distance himself
from THIS dog fighting ring. “I’ve learned from my mistakes, that’s for sure,”
said Vick while boarding up an alleged crack house which up until yesterday,
doubled as an illegal dog-fighting headquarters in downtown Philly.
Jamaican Sprinter Not Busted For Steroids Yet Weird
The Turnip News
Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt announced he will retire after the 2016 Olympics
in Russia, but apparently, has also not been busted for using performance
enhancing drugs, which is weird.
Sources confirmed that Bolt has won several gold medals during his illustrious career so far, but no one has even mentioned steroids yet. Very odd. According to research conducted by news agency Reuters, Bolt has indeed, never been caught using steroids, selling steroids or even saying the word “steroids”.
The Olympic Committee already made a statement just last week reaffirming the oddity that Bolt is a clean runner. “Mr. Bolt has passed all of his drug tests and has never once tested positive for any sort of banned substance. I know, it’s weird.” – said a spokesperson for the Committee. Avid sports fans now wait for the other shoe to drop in this bizarre discovery, knowing full well that when something is too good to be true, it’s not.
Bolt shockingly has also never been arrested, gone to court to discount a rape charge or even been caught driving drunk. So freaking weird.
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Sources confirmed that Bolt has won several gold medals during his illustrious career so far, but no one has even mentioned steroids yet. Very odd. According to research conducted by news agency Reuters, Bolt has indeed, never been caught using steroids, selling steroids or even saying the word “steroids”.
The Olympic Committee already made a statement just last week reaffirming the oddity that Bolt is a clean runner. “Mr. Bolt has passed all of his drug tests and has never once tested positive for any sort of banned substance. I know, it’s weird.” – said a spokesperson for the Committee. Avid sports fans now wait for the other shoe to drop in this bizarre discovery, knowing full well that when something is too good to be true, it’s not.
Bolt shockingly has also never been arrested, gone to court to discount a rape charge or even been caught driving drunk. So freaking weird.
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Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Study: Only 4% Of Priests Not In It For Molesting
The Turnip News
Shocking results of a recent poll conducted across Canada has found that only 4 per cent of all priests are not in it to molest people. The data was collected from all Catholic churches across Canada and surveyed nearly 300,000 priests, asking them the question “Are you only a priest because you want to molest someone?”. 96 per cent of the individuals answered “yes”, “absolutely” or “of course.”
Shocking results of a recent poll conducted across Canada has found that only 4 per cent of all priests are not in it to molest people. The data was collected from all Catholic churches across Canada and surveyed nearly 300,000 priests, asking them the question “Are you only a priest because you want to molest someone?”. 96 per cent of the individuals answered “yes”, “absolutely” or “of course.”
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Royal Baby Already Arrested For DUI
New parents Prince William and Duchess Kate Middleton had their celebration cut short this afternoon after word had spread that their recently born infant was picked up by local police under suspicion of driving under the influence.
Born only two days ago, the tiny 6-pound 2-ounce newborn reportedly left a London hospital on his own and ended up at a local pub where witnesses say he remained for several hours. He then got into his recently purchased Porsche Carerra and drove “erratically” through side-streets until he allegedly crashed into a telephone pole. No one was injured at the scene and witnesses say the infant became very belligerent after paparazzi showed up snapping photos of the slurring, stumbling baby who had a bottle of gin in his tiny little hand.
Police were seen taking the child away in handcuffs and confirmed they did in fact, book a 2-day old male for driving while intoxicated that afternoon. It’s unclear whether bail has been posted and the Royal Family has yet to make a public statement.
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