Season 4 Disc 2 of One Tree Hill Found At Bin Laden’s Hideout

Impatient Climber Hacks Arm Off After Being Stuck Under Boulder For 127 Seconds

The Turnip News

MESA, ARZ. - The amazing perseverance of the human spirit and a strong will to live helped local climber Rex Jennings escape the Red River Canyon alive, but not without a price. During an afternoon of hiking and rock climbing on Saturday, Jennings fell in between a narrow crevice, wedging his left arm in between a large boulder and pinning him there for what seemed like an eternity. It wasn’t until 40 grueling seconds later, that Jennings first contemplated cutting off his own arm to escape.

“I remember being down there for so long. The first 10-15 seconds I kept thinking that someone would come save me. But after about 40 seconds, I drank all my water, ate all my food and I was beginning to hallucinate,” explained Jennings, who was close to giving up all other options for survival.
The exhausted hiker also documented much of his ordeal using his video camera, where he morbidly addresses his family that he might soon die, after feeling utterly hopeless at the 56-second mark.
The video camera has over a minute-and-a-half of raw, unedited footage.
Then, as if a sudden jolt of adrenaline along with a horrifying realization, Jennings then broke his arm and began to saw it off using his pocket knife. But at that point, being stuck for just under two minutes, what choice did he have.

“I knew I had been there long enough. If someone didn’t find me after two minutes, what’s another two minutes going to do for me. So I got out my pocket knife and started hacking away,” said Jennings.
When the dehydrated, exhausted hiker managed to escape the canyon, he was found by a group of nearby climbers 84-seconds later.

“It’s surprising that he could have lasted that long down there,” said rescuer David Krengle.
“I don’t know what I would have done, but he’s one tough son-of-a-bitch, being stuck down there for almost three minutes. But he did what he had to do. He would have died down there without any more food or water for another 127 seconds.”
<<>>

Royal Wedding Ceremony Takes Backseat to Mr. Bean Antics

The Turnip News

LONDON - What was expected to be a historical day of celebration, turned out to be a string of hilarious mishaps, thanks to the accident-prone disasters of Mr. Bean.

Royal onlookers were shocked as the national icon of slapstick comedy shuffled nervously into the ceremony and accidentally knocked over the Queen into the wedding cake. The crowd later erupted in boisterous laughter upon watching Mr. Bean get his head stuck in the alter during the reading of the vows. Absolute side-stitching hilarity swiftly ensued after Mr. Bean was chased around by Security, who were unable to capture him.

Somehow getting into a pair of roller skates, Mr. Bean then managed to single-handedly topple over a 300-year-old golden monument, which then struck a wooden plank, simultaneously catapulting Prince Harry 20 feet in the air. Despite hurried attempts from Prince William and Kate to rush the ceremony, Mr. Bean somehow managed to hit the bride-to-be smack dab in the face with a banana cream pie, swiftly ending the magical, yet absolutely gut-splitting afternoon.
<<>>

Paul Walker Wins Best Actor Oscar

The Turnip News

ACADEMY AWARDS - In a shocking turnaround for an actor not typically known for his exceptional acting skills, 37-year-old actor Paul Walker was awarded his first ever Oscar last night for his performance in Fast Five, the latest instalment in The Fast and The Furious franchise.

Having already received a Golden Globe just months before his performance, Walker, however, was still not seen as the favourite going into last night’s Academy Awards ceremony. But as the envelope was opened and presented by four-time Oscar winner, Sean William Scott, the unthinkable became reality and Walker finally received his long-awaited accolade.

“This is a dream come true for me,” Walker told the audience, in a stone-like stare to nobody in particular while demonstrating no foreseeable emotion whatsoever.
“I can’t believe I’m holding this right now, bro,” he said after a long silence. Other big winners at last night’s gala included Ashton Kutcher’s best supporting Oscar for his role in Dude Where’s My Car?, and the Best Actress award, given to Anna Faris for her gripping, emotional portrayal of a Playboy Bunny in the critically-acclaimed, The House Bunny.
<<>>

Alcohol Sales Increase Due To Unemployed Booze-Hound

The Turnip News

OTTAWA – Retailers around the nation’s capital have recently seen a significant spike in alcohol sales, and reports confirmed it’s because of local drunk, Matthew Jameson, 29. The recently unemployed graphic designer has been battling alcohol addiction quietly for the past nine years, but now the absolute Lush, just recently, has had all the time in the world to feed that hunger out in the open and for all to see.

“We have seen that since Jameson was let go a few weeks ago (at Motion Control Systems Inc.), our sales have doubled,” said local LCBO Manager, Todd Nichols. “This has been due in large part to Jameson’s overwhelming need to get jacked up on beer, rum, vodka, tequila and wine. Most of our sales show that Jameson has been single-handedly drinking himself into oblivion, and we couldn’t be happier!”.

Jameson, the human-hard-liquor vortex, has reportedly been blowing his life savings in order to help fuel his overwhelmingly, destructive desire to get shit-faced, blackout, drunk everyday of the week. Financial statistics released just yesterday from StatsCan also revealed that Jameson spends upwards of $150 per day on getting blasted, and local retailers are reaping the benefits.

“The Ottawa economy is booming and it’s all thanks to ol’ gassed-up Carlos Boozer over there,” said Nichols while pointing to Jameson who was laying down in the wine aisle with his pants around his ankles, asleep but still holding a half-empty bottle of white in his lap.
<<>>

Bobby Trades Whitney To Ike For Tina

The Turnip News

HOLLYWOOD - In a shocking, public confession that appears to contradict many happy years of healthy marriage, Bobby Brown confirmed to reporters yesterday that he has traded his wife, Whitney, to Ike Turner in exchange for Ike’s current wife, Tina.

Both men held a press conference late yesterday afternoon to discuss the swap, along with both newly acquired spouses, who were not permitted to speak at any time during the entirety of the event. “Yes it’s true,” declared Bobby, side-by-side with newly possessed Tina, now his wife.
“Tina is mah bitch now. She gon do whateva I say, wheneva I say it,” emphasized Bobby to the crowd. Stepping in to give his two-sense was newly-Whitney-wed Ike Turner, now in sole possession of the Grammy-award-winning singer.

“Whitney is mine now and I couldn’t be happier… I’m thirsty, I need a draaank!,” stated Ike to nobody in particular. He then addressed Whitney directly and said “Bitch! I’m talkin’ to you! Go fetch me some Covasier, hoe!”. It’s unsure whether the new couples plan to socialize together after the merger, but sources close to Bobby and Ike claim “pimpin ain’t easy, but it’s necessaaary”.

<<>>

Man Too Broke To Buy Car Proud Of Doing His Part For Environment

The Turnip News

CUMBERLAND - A recently unemployed Ted Ryerson told reporters yesterday he is proud that his lack of financial stability to purchase an automobile has enabled him to do his inconsequential part to help the environment. “I just do what I can so this planet has a brighter future for our children,” explained Ryerson while waiting on the corner of 5^th Ave. for the next bus to take him to the grocery store. “That and the fact that I have no money to buy any type of car whatsoever,” he added.

Sources close to Ryerson confirmed his self-pride in walking everywhere, taking his bike to work and relying on transportation from family, friends and the occasional date. “By carpooling, we’re really making a conscious decision to reduce the amount of exhaust fumes in the atmosphere. That, and the fact that I wouldn’t even have enough cash to buy a Geo fucking Metro, let alone pay for a lease or any sort of insurance,” he said.

The soon-to-be-unemployment-insurance-registered Ryerson admitted although a car would help him get around easier, it’s a small sacrifice for the good of the planet. “Sure, I would like to head over to Blockbuster once in a while and NOT have the trip take me three hours, but I’m making a decision to go green." Ryerson was then unavailable for comment because he had to get on the #2 bus toward downtown, then hop on the #95 East route and hopefully catch a local bus in order to go pick up his laundry which had been in the dryer for over five hours.
<<>>