Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Taylor Swift Devastated After Learning There Is No Santa
A bed-ridden, deeply depressed Taylor Swift was reportedly extremely shocked and saddened after finding out from a friend that Santa Clause is in fact, not real.
“Then who puts all the presents under the tree every year!!? HUH!??!” exclaimed a tearful Swift to her friend while Christmas shopping at a nearby mall. After informing Swift of the news and the fact that it would be physically impossible for anyone to deliver presents to every single child in the world in one night, she allegedly rebutted with “It’s because he’s magic! Everyone knows that!” before storming out of the Gap and through the food court. Nearby shoppers were also surprised for two reasons: 1: That Taylor Swift was out in public at the mall and 2: A grown woman was weeping because she actually still believed in Santa and finding out the truth was simply unbearable.
After rushing home and slamming the door to her bedroom, Swift has not exited since Monday evening. Reporters staked outside her home have not seen the country singer since, but reportedly can hear screams of sorrow and anguish coming from her bedroom window every so often.
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“Then who puts all the presents under the tree every year!!? HUH!??!” exclaimed a tearful Swift to her friend while Christmas shopping at a nearby mall. After informing Swift of the news and the fact that it would be physically impossible for anyone to deliver presents to every single child in the world in one night, she allegedly rebutted with “It’s because he’s magic! Everyone knows that!” before storming out of the Gap and through the food court. Nearby shoppers were also surprised for two reasons: 1: That Taylor Swift was out in public at the mall and 2: A grown woman was weeping because she actually still believed in Santa and finding out the truth was simply unbearable.
After rushing home and slamming the door to her bedroom, Swift has not exited since Monday evening. Reporters staked outside her home have not seen the country singer since, but reportedly can hear screams of sorrow and anguish coming from her bedroom window every so often.
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Thursday, December 13, 2012
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Report Confirms Food Basics One Depressing-Ass Place
As part of a year-long study into the societal abyss known as the Food Basics grocery store chain, Ottawa-area scientists, psychologists and social interaction experts concluded “this shit-hole is unbelievably depressing”.
Taking into account several different locations across the city, the report covers aspects such as store cleanliness, number of customers wearing jogging pants, the layout of the stores and even the amount of mumbling cashiers pathetically telling shoppers over the intercom about daily deals. “We looked at several different factors during this study,” said Dr. Melvin Finnigan MD. “The people trudging up and down the aisles, the stench of despair and even the number of single mothers pushing their second-hand strollers down the frozen food section all played into our conclusion that damn, this place makes me wanna throw myself in front of a train."
The study of course lists the number of people who actually kill themselves in Food Basics, the average amount of minutes spent searching for coupons while at the cash, the number of fights that break out and the salaries of the employees along with their marital statuses.
The study follows a series of other controversial work done by this particular Ottawa research group. Last month they published a 90-page document outlining why Heatherington Rd. has the highest-grade of cocaine anywhere in the world, why Arby’s is do godmamn amazing and why French people don’t understand sarcasm.
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Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Obama Celebrates Re-Election At Hooters
Barack Obama celebrated in style late last night with family, friends and colleagues at Hooters.
As divisive as both Mitt Romney and Obama have been in terms of policy and personality, it’s no wonder the President spent time celebrating in a way his political rival would find inappropriate.
“Titties and Beer!!,” screamed America’s President who was re-elected for the next four-years.
“This is what this country was founded upon, so it’s only fitting we do this party right!,” said Obama just before ordering a round of pitchers and some hot wings for his table. The party lasted into the wee hours of the night with Obama having one of the servers sit on Joe Biden’s lap and tell him what she wanted for Christmas.
“That’s Hilarious!,” exclaimed Obama.
Secret Service Agents were even seen competing with each other during a beer chugging contest, with Obama being the official judge.
“And it’s Ted by a nose-hair! Awesome!!!”.
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Thursday, September 20, 2012
Bad Samaritan Holds Victim Down During Mugging
The Turnip NewsA bad Samaritan came to the rescue of an area thief yesterday afternoon after an attempted mugging almost went awry. Theresa Morifin, 48, was walking home from work just after 7 pm when a crazed assaulter jumped out of an alleyway and attempted to steal her purse. Morifin managed to temporarily fend off her attacker until local bad Samaritan, Joseph Hahmoudi, 29, showed up and held her down. “I’m no hero,” said Hahmoudi. “I saw someone in need (of a purse), and I did what I could to help him out.” The victim was forcibly held down long enough for the mugger to snatch her purse, yank off an expensive pearl necklace and take her wedding ring. “I was just at the right place at the right time,” exclaimd Hamoudi, who then gave the thief directions to the nearest bus station so he could lay low for a while. “It’s all about helping out your fellow man, ya know?.” He exclaimed.
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Wednesday, August 22, 2012
City of Ottawa Bans Breathing Too Loudly
By-Law officers will be targeting members of the public who exhale “way too loudly” or “breath in and out in an overemphasized, unnecessary manner.”
This newest By-Law passed by City Hall yesterday afternoon expects to rid the city of exasperated, whiney people who often sigh or pant without any foreseen reason, making it difficult for others to focus on being enslaved and over-regulated. Methods of determining infractions include equipping officers with a breathing apparatus they may use to determine if someone’s breathing is too loud. If that person is proven to have made a sigh above 0.0000042 decibels, that person may be subject to prosecution.
Granted some people are viewing the restriction as an infringement on their rights to breath however they choose, but many others are in favour.
“It’s about fucking time!” exclaimed Barry Shoulster, 32. “I need someone to tell me how to run my life and what to do every minute of every day. Why should breathing be any different?” he said. Shoulster was then handed several tickets by a nearby By-Law officer, citing infractions which included swearing, enthusiasm, speaking loudly and sweating. He is mandated to pay nearly $5,000 in fines by Halloween or the City of Ottawa By-Law Authority will visit his home, rape his wife and murder his children.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
2016 Rio Summer Olympics to Introduce Marco-Polo
The Turnip News
2016 Rio Olympics“It’s been a huge dream of mine to finally compete in an Olympic event,” said Canadian swimmer Alex McCarthy who will be part of Canada’s 2016 Marco-Polo team when the next summer Olympics are held in Rio.
“Now if you’ll excuse me… I’ve got to get back to my training,” exclaimed McCarthy who steadily maneuvered himself around the shallow end of the swimming pool while his teammate strategically tried to find him with his eyes closed by yelling out “Marco!” to which McCarthy was forced to whisper back.. “polo….”.
These athletes have been training non-stop for the past six months and know how much is at stake and the skill involved. “You’ve got to be able to listen carefully to others responding “Polo” while you are blind and have to rely on your instincts alone,” said American competitor Marcus Palson.
“It’s also hard the other way. You try to be really quiet and dodge the other guy coming at you, and avoid getting touched,” he added. “The benefit is of course, you can see and he can’t.”
Palson then continued on with his training, amazingly catching someone out of the pool in mid-scrum “FISH OUTTA WATER!!! FISH OUTTA WATER!!!” GOTCHA!!!”.
Each team of Marco-Polo Olympians will compete with hopes of winning a gold medal and a pair of complimentary orange floaties. Other new summer sports to be introduced in 2016 include the Bean Bag Toss and the very popular Eye-Spy-With-My-Little-Eye, an event typically dominated by the Chinese.
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| Olympians train for Marco-Polo event |
2016 Rio Olympics“It’s been a huge dream of mine to finally compete in an Olympic event,” said Canadian swimmer Alex McCarthy who will be part of Canada’s 2016 Marco-Polo team when the next summer Olympics are held in Rio.
“Now if you’ll excuse me… I’ve got to get back to my training,” exclaimed McCarthy who steadily maneuvered himself around the shallow end of the swimming pool while his teammate strategically tried to find him with his eyes closed by yelling out “Marco!” to which McCarthy was forced to whisper back.. “polo….”.
These athletes have been training non-stop for the past six months and know how much is at stake and the skill involved. “You’ve got to be able to listen carefully to others responding “Polo” while you are blind and have to rely on your instincts alone,” said American competitor Marcus Palson.
“It’s also hard the other way. You try to be really quiet and dodge the other guy coming at you, and avoid getting touched,” he added. “The benefit is of course, you can see and he can’t.”
Palson then continued on with his training, amazingly catching someone out of the pool in mid-scrum “FISH OUTTA WATER!!! FISH OUTTA WATER!!!” GOTCHA!!!”.
Each team of Marco-Polo Olympians will compete with hopes of winning a gold medal and a pair of complimentary orange floaties. Other new summer sports to be introduced in 2016 include the Bean Bag Toss and the very popular Eye-Spy-With-My-Little-Eye, an event typically dominated by the Chinese.
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Thursday, July 26, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Area Customer Would Like To Speak To Manager
The Turnip News
After receiving a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger with onions after specifically telling the cashier to “hold the onions” local customer Bernice Rawlings reportedly asked if she could speak to the manager and that the mix-up was completely unacceptable. Patrons at the Wendy’s restaurant chain witnessed Rawlings sit at a nearby booth with her food, open up the wrapping of the alleged cheeseburger, lift up the bun and mumble to herself “oh, you gotta be fucking kidding me!”. That was around the time Rawlings marched right up to the counter with her burger and asked the front cashier, Janice Smith, to see the manager.
“I said no onions,” Rawlings emphatically pointed out while showing Smith the burger with the top bun lifted off. “As you can see, there are TONS of onions on this thing! Where’s the manager!?” she continued.
Reports indicated that Rawlings did receive a second Junior Bacon Cheeseburger free of charge, along with a free coupon of some sort. Later, staff talked with journalists after Ralwings had exited the building upon getting her proper order.
“Ya, we gave her another cheeseburger, but she doesn’t know I horked in it,” said Burger Line Cook, David Lunsky. “I hope she chokes on it. That’ll teach her not to complain so much to people working 52 hours a week getting below minimum wage.”
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After receiving a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger with onions after specifically telling the cashier to “hold the onions” local customer Bernice Rawlings reportedly asked if she could speak to the manager and that the mix-up was completely unacceptable. Patrons at the Wendy’s restaurant chain witnessed Rawlings sit at a nearby booth with her food, open up the wrapping of the alleged cheeseburger, lift up the bun and mumble to herself “oh, you gotta be fucking kidding me!”. That was around the time Rawlings marched right up to the counter with her burger and asked the front cashier, Janice Smith, to see the manager.
“I said no onions,” Rawlings emphatically pointed out while showing Smith the burger with the top bun lifted off. “As you can see, there are TONS of onions on this thing! Where’s the manager!?” she continued.
Reports indicated that Rawlings did receive a second Junior Bacon Cheeseburger free of charge, along with a free coupon of some sort. Later, staff talked with journalists after Ralwings had exited the building upon getting her proper order.
“Ya, we gave her another cheeseburger, but she doesn’t know I horked in it,” said Burger Line Cook, David Lunsky. “I hope she chokes on it. That’ll teach her not to complain so much to people working 52 hours a week getting below minimum wage.”
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Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Vegetarian Zombie Struggles With Eating Brains
Recently-turned Zombie known only as “Jeb” admitted to reporters yesterday afternoon he’s having trouble being a vegetarian and now being forced to switch to an all-brain diet. Being a vegetarian zombie having to only feed on the live flesh of human beings has been troublesome to the say the least, according to the undead evil abomination. “Huuaaraarrrrr, aarrrgh aagghg gaaaaa!” moaned Jeb who had the difficult choice of having to devour the cracked-open skull of a recently deceased man lying on the sidewalk in front of him or stumbling across the street to look desperately for some kind of vegetable or tofu patty.
It was also apparent to other Zombies that Jeb’s hesitant behaviour was frowned upon which created obvious tension inside the circle of mindless, aggressive drones roaming the destruction-riddled streets looking for humans to kill.
“Buurrggghhh, aarghgghh aaaaaah!” screamed Jeb voicing his displeasure of being forced to consume bits and pieces of bone, skin and blood as opposed to a freshly tossed spinach salad with a flavourful light vinaigrette dressing.
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Drive-By-Shooting Victim Shockingly Known to Police
The Turnip News
After Friday’s tragic drive-by-shooting which left one victim dead and two others injured, police have concluded a shocking piece of evidence that no one in the community saw coming: the victim was known to police.
According to Detroit Police Department Commissioner Donnell White, the deceased victim was both a convicted felon and surprisingly had a long rap sheet of serious criminal offences, many of which were drug-related, which was a huge surprise.
“Our victim, who was tragically gunned down last week, had a history with the DPD,” said White in a statement not even local reporters would have guessed.
“I know this comes as a very big surprise to everyone, but the departed in question had a well-documented past of being in trouble with the law,” he added. "I know... even I can't comprehend this. I thought I had seen it all, but I guess not."
Local residents of the drug-infested community of Tower Heights near downtown Detroit also expressed feelings of disbelief and shock upon hearing the victim had been involved in illegal activity.
“I just can’t believe this!” said neighbourhood resident Will O’Neill. “You would think that someone who is shot to death in broad daylight out of nowhere would have no connection whatsoever to the culprits. But you see something new every day,” he said.
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After Friday’s tragic drive-by-shooting which left one victim dead and two others injured, police have concluded a shocking piece of evidence that no one in the community saw coming: the victim was known to police.
According to Detroit Police Department Commissioner Donnell White, the deceased victim was both a convicted felon and surprisingly had a long rap sheet of serious criminal offences, many of which were drug-related, which was a huge surprise.
“Our victim, who was tragically gunned down last week, had a history with the DPD,” said White in a statement not even local reporters would have guessed.
“I know this comes as a very big surprise to everyone, but the departed in question had a well-documented past of being in trouble with the law,” he added. "I know... even I can't comprehend this. I thought I had seen it all, but I guess not."
Local residents of the drug-infested community of Tower Heights near downtown Detroit also expressed feelings of disbelief and shock upon hearing the victim had been involved in illegal activity.
“I just can’t believe this!” said neighbourhood resident Will O’Neill. “You would think that someone who is shot to death in broad daylight out of nowhere would have no connection whatsoever to the culprits. But you see something new every day,” he said.
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8-Year-Old Confirms You Are Poop-Head
The Turnip NewsAt press deadline last night just after supper-time, area 7-year-old Alivia Filoso confirmed that you are, indeed, a ‘poop-head.’
“I have a secret…” she whispered into your ear while excitedly rocking back and forth in her chair at the dinner table.
“You are a poop-head,” she emphatically stated, which was then followed by a series of uncontrollable giggling and eventual drooling. The confirmation from Filoso, who is studying extra-special hard to pass the 2nd grade, made several other statements last night about you which included your physical appearance, your smell and even the way you talk.
“You’re weird!” Filoso would later tell you, while pointing at your confused and annoyed face so that everyone at the table could stare at you.
Upon hearing from her mother to “settle down” Filoso reportedly looked bashfully at you for a few seconds before promptly punching you in the balls.
“I have a secret…” she whispered into your ear while excitedly rocking back and forth in her chair at the dinner table.
“You are a poop-head,” she emphatically stated, which was then followed by a series of uncontrollable giggling and eventual drooling. The confirmation from Filoso, who is studying extra-special hard to pass the 2nd grade, made several other statements last night about you which included your physical appearance, your smell and even the way you talk.
“You’re weird!” Filoso would later tell you, while pointing at your confused and annoyed face so that everyone at the table could stare at you.
Upon hearing from her mother to “settle down” Filoso reportedly looked bashfully at you for a few seconds before promptly punching you in the balls.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
CFL Teams Offering Canadian Tire Money As Contract Incentives
The Turnip News
As part of a recent marketing push to entice more players to sign lengthy contracts with various CFL franchises, teams will now be allowed to offer Canadian Tire money as additional incentives alongside real money. The currency, which can only be spent at any of the iconic nation-wide stores will be offered to players in order to convince them to remain in the CFL and not switch over to the NFL or choose another profession altogether which technically pays more like a personal trainer or a high school janitor.
“We want Canadian players to know the CFL is where they should be,” said CFL Commissioner Mark Cohon.
“We offer health benefits, a decent salary, opportunities for growth and a pretty hefty bankroll of Canadian Tire cash they can use for anything they want,” exclaimed Cohon.
“In addition to their moderate salaries, the remaining compensation includes their pick of anything in our stores! Camping gear, flashlights, car repairs, décor and even some decent football equipment,” said Canadian Tire Media Relations Officer, Kevin Baird.
The CFL’s new clause allows for players to receive up to $5,000 in Canadian Tire money, depending on the contract agreement and how much a team is willing to spend. The decision comes shortly after a failed attempt last season by the Hamilton Tiger-Cats to offer newly signed players Tim Hortons Tim-Bits in exchange for signing a contract…any contract.
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