By-Law officers will be targeting members of the public who exhale “way too loudly” or “breath in and out in an overemphasized, unnecessary manner.”
This newest By-Law passed by City Hall yesterday afternoon expects to rid the city of exasperated, whiney people who often sigh or pant without any foreseen reason, making it difficult for others to focus on being enslaved and over-regulated. Methods of determining infractions include equipping officers with a breathing apparatus they may use to determine if someone’s breathing is too loud. If that person is proven to have made a sigh above 0.0000042 decibels, that person may be subject to prosecution.
Granted some people are viewing the restriction as an infringement on their rights to breath however they choose, but many others are in favour.
“It’s about fucking time!” exclaimed Barry Shoulster, 32. “I need someone to tell me how to run my life and what to do every minute of every day. Why should breathing be any different?” he said. Shoulster was then handed several tickets by a nearby By-Law officer, citing infractions which included swearing, enthusiasm, speaking loudly and sweating. He is mandated to pay nearly $5,000 in fines by Halloween or the City of Ottawa By-Law Authority will visit his home, rape his wife and murder his children.
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