As part of a year-long study into the societal abyss known as the Food Basics grocery store chain, Ottawa-area scientists, psychologists and social interaction experts concluded “this shit-hole is unbelievably depressing”.
Taking into account several different locations across the city, the report covers aspects such as store cleanliness, number of customers wearing jogging pants, the layout of the stores and even the amount of mumbling cashiers pathetically telling shoppers over the intercom about daily deals. “We looked at several different factors during this study,” said Dr. Melvin Finnigan MD. “The people trudging up and down the aisles, the stench of despair and even the number of single mothers pushing their second-hand strollers down the frozen food section all played into our conclusion that damn, this place makes me wanna throw myself in front of a train."
The study of course lists the number of people who actually kill themselves in Food Basics, the average amount of minutes spent searching for coupons while at the cash, the number of fights that break out and the salaries of the employees along with their marital statuses.
The study follows a series of other controversial work done by this particular Ottawa research group. Last month they published a 90-page document outlining why Heatherington Rd. has the highest-grade of cocaine anywhere in the world, why Arby’s is do godmamn amazing and why French people don’t understand sarcasm.
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