Jamaican Sprinter Not Busted For Steroids Yet Weird

The Turnip News

Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt announced he will retire after the 2016 Olympics in Russia, but apparently, has also not been busted for using performance enhancing drugs, which is weird.

Sources confirmed that Bolt has won several gold medals during his illustrious career so far, but no one has even mentioned steroids yet. Very odd. According to research conducted by news agency Reuters, Bolt has indeed, never been caught using steroids, selling steroids or even saying the word “steroids”.

The Olympic Committee already made a statement just last week reaffirming the oddity that Bolt is a clean runner. “Mr. Bolt has passed all of his drug tests and has never once tested positive for any sort of banned substance. I know, it’s weird.” – said a spokesperson for the Committee. Avid sports fans now wait for the other shoe to drop in this bizarre discovery, knowing full well that when something is too good to be true, it’s not.

Bolt shockingly has also never been arrested, gone to court to discount a rape charge or even been caught driving drunk. So freaking weird.
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Study: Only 4% Of Priests Not In It For Molesting

The Turnip News

Shocking results of a recent poll conducted across Canada has found that only 4 per cent of all priests are not in it to molest people.  The data was collected from all Catholic churches across Canada and surveyed nearly 300,000 priests, asking them the question “Are you only a priest because you want to molest someone?”. 96 per cent of the individuals answered “yes”, “absolutely” or “of course.”

Royal Baby Already Arrested For DUI

The Turnip News
New parents Prince William and Duchess Kate Middleton had their celebration cut short this afternoon after word had spread that their recently born infant was picked up by local police under suspicion of driving under the influence.

Born only two days ago, the tiny 6-pound 2-ounce newborn reportedly left a London hospital on his own and ended up at a local pub where witnesses say he remained for several hours. He then got into his recently purchased Porsche Carerra and drove “erratically” through side-streets until he allegedly crashed into a telephone pole. No one was injured at the scene and witnesses say the infant became very belligerent after paparazzi showed up snapping photos of the slurring, stumbling baby who had a bottle of gin in his tiny little hand.

Police were seen taking the child away in handcuffs and confirmed they did in fact, book a 2-day old male for driving while intoxicated that afternoon. It’s unclear whether bail has been posted and the Royal Family has yet to make a public statement.
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