Study: Only 4% Of Priests Not In It For Molesting

The Turnip News

Shocking results of a recent poll conducted across Canada has found that only 4 per cent of all priests are not in it to molest people.  The data was collected from all Catholic churches across Canada and surveyed nearly 300,000 priests, asking them the question “Are you only a priest because you want to molest someone?”. 96 per cent of the individuals answered “yes”, “absolutely” or “of course.”

Royal Baby Already Arrested For DUI

The Turnip News
New parents Prince William and Duchess Kate Middleton had their celebration cut short this afternoon after word had spread that their recently born infant was picked up by local police under suspicion of driving under the influence.

Born only two days ago, the tiny 6-pound 2-ounce newborn reportedly left a London hospital on his own and ended up at a local pub where witnesses say he remained for several hours. He then got into his recently purchased Porsche Carerra and drove “erratically” through side-streets until he allegedly crashed into a telephone pole. No one was injured at the scene and witnesses say the infant became very belligerent after paparazzi showed up snapping photos of the slurring, stumbling baby who had a bottle of gin in his tiny little hand.

Police were seen taking the child away in handcuffs and confirmed they did in fact, book a 2-day old male for driving while intoxicated that afternoon. It’s unclear whether bail has been posted and the Royal Family has yet to make a public statement.
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Shouting Match Between Man And Vacuum Intensifying

The Turnip News
A shouting match between area man Derek Graser and his recently purchased Dirt Devil EZ 1200 vacuum cleaner reached heightened levels of emotion yesterday. Witnesses say Graser,41, was screaming at the household appliance for about ten minutes after learning the inanimate object wasn’t capable of sucking up significant piles of dirt without periodically shutting off every once in a while.

“This god-damn piece of shit! Why the hell do you keep turning off!!! Do your job!!!” screamed Graser at the upright-sitting vacuum that blankly stared back at the enraged human.
Sources close to Graser reported hearing some screaming, but quickly realized it was a matter between man and vacuum.