Vancouver Rioters Unaware Canucks Just Played Hockey

The Turnip News

VANCOUVER - Following a horrifying string of violent outbursts and vandalism, Vancouver citizens collectively acknowledged they had no idea their city’s NHL team had just lost Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. “Really? The Canucks were playing tonight?” said a puzzled Ben Nicholson, 31, right before hurling a metal garbage can into the windshield of an unoccupied police cruiser.

Although initial media reports suggested the rioting was in retaliation to a collective disappointment of Boston winning the Stanley Cup, it was later confirmed that the hundreds of thousands of crazed lunatics were simply destroying their own city "for the fuck of it".

“The Canucks are an awesome hockey team! I hope we beat the Whalers next week!” screamed one inebriated, clearly uninformed fan to another. Local journalists reported several incidents of people smashing store windows, burning cars and throwing flares into crowds simply because “it was a Wednesday.”

Local store owner Chris Mackenzie, 52, was baffled by the remorseless violence and disrespect shown outside his convenience store. “I was telling everyone to calm down, don’t worry, and that the Canucks will win the Cup next year…they all just stopped and stared blankly at me for a second and then bum-rushed me!. It was horrifying and confusing at the same time. Do these people not know WHY they are looting or beating me senseless?” exclaimed Mackenzie while being trampled without mercy.

Even several interviews with various passive onlookers of the chaos sprouted further evidence that no one had any fucking idea that the Canucks had just lost. “You’re kidding me, right!? I thought they played on Sunday? Against….aaaaaah. Some team. Can’t think of it now, but are you seeing this crazy shit!? AWESOME!” the fan said while he watched a group of drunk degenerates toss a cinder block through a nearby Toys R Us window.
At press time, thousands of rioters were collectively asking local reporters “what was the final score of the “Grizzlies game”.
<<>>

Man Thought To Be Superstitious Actually Just Obsessive Compulsive

Season 4 Disc 2 of One Tree Hill Found At Bin Laden’s Hideout

Impatient Climber Hacks Arm Off After Being Stuck Under Boulder For 127 Seconds

The Turnip News

MESA, ARZ. - The amazing perseverance of the human spirit and a strong will to live helped local climber Rex Jennings escape the Red River Canyon alive, but not without a price. During an afternoon of hiking and rock climbing on Saturday, Jennings fell in between a narrow crevice, wedging his left arm in between a large boulder and pinning him there for what seemed like an eternity. It wasn’t until 40 grueling seconds later, that Jennings first contemplated cutting off his own arm to escape.

“I remember being down there for so long. The first 10-15 seconds I kept thinking that someone would come save me. But after about 40 seconds, I drank all my water, ate all my food and I was beginning to hallucinate,” explained Jennings, who was close to giving up all other options for survival.
The exhausted hiker also documented much of his ordeal using his video camera, where he morbidly addresses his family that he might soon die, after feeling utterly hopeless at the 56-second mark.
The video camera has over a minute-and-a-half of raw, unedited footage.
Then, as if a sudden jolt of adrenaline along with a horrifying realization, Jennings then broke his arm and began to saw it off using his pocket knife. But at that point, being stuck for just under two minutes, what choice did he have.

“I knew I had been there long enough. If someone didn’t find me after two minutes, what’s another two minutes going to do for me. So I got out my pocket knife and started hacking away,” said Jennings.
When the dehydrated, exhausted hiker managed to escape the canyon, he was found by a group of nearby climbers 84-seconds later.

“It’s surprising that he could have lasted that long down there,” said rescuer David Krengle.
“I don’t know what I would have done, but he’s one tough son-of-a-bitch, being stuck down there for almost three minutes. But he did what he had to do. He would have died down there without any more food or water for another 127 seconds.”
<<>>

Royal Wedding Ceremony Takes Backseat to Mr. Bean Antics

The Turnip News

LONDON - What was expected to be a historical day of celebration, turned out to be a string of hilarious mishaps, thanks to the accident-prone disasters of Mr. Bean.

Royal onlookers were shocked as the national icon of slapstick comedy shuffled nervously into the ceremony and accidentally knocked over the Queen into the wedding cake. The crowd later erupted in boisterous laughter upon watching Mr. Bean get his head stuck in the alter during the reading of the vows. Absolute side-stitching hilarity swiftly ensued after Mr. Bean was chased around by Security, who were unable to capture him.

Somehow getting into a pair of roller skates, Mr. Bean then managed to single-handedly topple over a 300-year-old golden monument, which then struck a wooden plank, simultaneously catapulting Prince Harry 20 feet in the air. Despite hurried attempts from Prince William and Kate to rush the ceremony, Mr. Bean somehow managed to hit the bride-to-be smack dab in the face with a banana cream pie, swiftly ending the magical, yet absolutely gut-splitting afternoon.
<<>>

Paul Walker Wins Best Actor Oscar

The Turnip News

ACADEMY AWARDS - In a shocking turnaround for an actor not typically known for his exceptional acting skills, 37-year-old actor Paul Walker was awarded his first ever Oscar last night for his performance in Fast Five, the latest instalment in The Fast and The Furious franchise.

Having already received a Golden Globe just months before his performance, Walker, however, was still not seen as the favourite going into last night’s Academy Awards ceremony. But as the envelope was opened and presented by four-time Oscar winner, Sean William Scott, the unthinkable became reality and Walker finally received his long-awaited accolade.

“This is a dream come true for me,” Walker told the audience, in a stone-like stare to nobody in particular while demonstrating no foreseeable emotion whatsoever.
“I can’t believe I’m holding this right now, bro,” he said after a long silence. Other big winners at last night’s gala included Ashton Kutcher’s best supporting Oscar for his role in Dude Where’s My Car?, and the Best Actress award, given to Anna Faris for her gripping, emotional portrayal of a Playboy Bunny in the critically-acclaimed, The House Bunny.
<<>>

Alcohol Sales Increase Due To Unemployed Booze-Hound

The Turnip News

OTTAWA – Retailers around the nation’s capital have recently seen a significant spike in alcohol sales, and reports confirmed it’s because of local drunk, Matthew Jameson, 29. The recently unemployed graphic designer has been battling alcohol addiction quietly for the past nine years, but now the absolute Lush, just recently, has had all the time in the world to feed that hunger out in the open and for all to see.

“We have seen that since Jameson was let go a few weeks ago (at Motion Control Systems Inc.), our sales have doubled,” said local LCBO Manager, Todd Nichols. “This has been due in large part to Jameson’s overwhelming need to get jacked up on beer, rum, vodka, tequila and wine. Most of our sales show that Jameson has been single-handedly drinking himself into oblivion, and we couldn’t be happier!”.

Jameson, the human-hard-liquor vortex, has reportedly been blowing his life savings in order to help fuel his overwhelmingly, destructive desire to get shit-faced, blackout, drunk everyday of the week. Financial statistics released just yesterday from StatsCan also revealed that Jameson spends upwards of $150 per day on getting blasted, and local retailers are reaping the benefits.

“The Ottawa economy is booming and it’s all thanks to ol’ gassed-up Carlos Boozer over there,” said Nichols while pointing to Jameson who was laying down in the wine aisle with his pants around his ankles, asleep but still holding a half-empty bottle of white in his lap.
<<>>