Baby Unable To Interpret Mommy’s Incoherent Babble

Report Confirms Food Basics One Depressing-Ass Place

The Turnip News
As part of a year-long study into the societal abyss known as the Food Basics grocery store chain, Ottawa-area scientists, psychologists and social interaction experts concluded “this shit-hole is unbelievably depressing”.

Taking into account several different locations across the city, the report covers aspects such as store cleanliness, number of customers wearing jogging pants, the layout of the stores and even the amount of mumbling cashiers pathetically telling shoppers over the intercom  about daily deals. “We looked at several different factors during this study,” said Dr. Melvin Finnigan MD. “The people trudging up and down the aisles, the stench of despair and even the number of single mothers pushing their second-hand strollers down the frozen food section all played into our conclusion that damn, this place makes me wanna throw myself in front of a train."

The study of course lists the number of people who actually kill themselves in Food Basics, the average amount of minutes spent searching for coupons while at the cash, the number of fights that break out and the salaries of the employees along with their marital statuses.
 
The study follows a series of other controversial work done by this particular Ottawa research group. Last month they published a 90-page document outlining why Heatherington Rd. has the highest-grade of cocaine anywhere in the world, why Arby’s is do godmamn amazing and why French people don’t understand sarcasm.

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Obama Celebrates Re-Election At Hooters

The Turnip News
Barack Obama celebrated in style late last night with family, friends and colleagues at Hooters.

As divisive as both Mitt Romney and Obama have been in terms of policy and personality, it’s no wonder the President spent time celebrating in a way his political rival would find inappropriate.

“Titties and Beer!!,” screamed America’s President who was re-elected for the next four-years.

“This is what this country was founded upon, so it’s only fitting we do this party right!,” said Obama just before ordering a round of pitchers and some hot wings for his table. The party lasted into the wee hours of the night with Obama having one of the servers sit on Joe Biden’s lap and tell him what she wanted for Christmas.

“That’s Hilarious!,” exclaimed Obama.

Secret Service Agents were even seen competing with each other during a beer chugging contest, with Obama being the official judge.

“And it’s Ted by a nose-hair! Awesome!!!”.

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Bad Samaritan Holds Victim Down During Mugging

The Turnip NewsA bad Samaritan came to the rescue of an area thief yesterday afternoon after an attempted mugging almost went awry. Theresa Morifin, 48, was walking home from work just after 7 pm when a crazed assaulter jumped out of an alleyway and attempted to steal her purse. Morifin managed to temporarily fend off her attacker until local bad Samaritan, Joseph Hahmoudi, 29, showed up and held her down. “I’m no hero,” said Hahmoudi. “I saw someone in need (of a purse), and I did what I could to help him out.” The victim was forcibly held down long enough for the mugger to snatch her purse, yank off an expensive pearl necklace and take her wedding ring. “I was just at the right place at the right time,” exclaimd Hamoudi, who then gave the thief directions to the nearest bus station so he could lay low for a while. “It’s all about helping out your fellow man, ya know?.” He exclaimed.
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City of Ottawa Bans Breathing Too Loudly

Ottawa is home to the first city in the world where breathing too loudly is now a crime.
By-Law officers will be targeting members of the public who exhale “way too loudly” or “breath in and out in an overemphasized, unnecessary manner.”

This newest By-Law passed by City Hall yesterday afternoon expects to rid the city of exasperated, whiney people who often sigh or pant without any foreseen reason, making it difficult for others to focus on being enslaved and over-regulated. Methods of determining infractions include equipping officers with a breathing apparatus they may use to determine if someone’s breathing is too loud. If that person is proven to have made a sigh above 0.0000042 decibels, that person may be subject to prosecution.

Granted some people are viewing the restriction as an infringement on their rights to breath however they choose, but many others are in favour.

“It’s about fucking time!” exclaimed Barry Shoulster, 32. “I need someone to tell me how to run my life and what to do every minute of every day. Why should breathing be any different?” he said. Shoulster was then handed several tickets by a nearby By-Law officer, citing infractions which included swearing, enthusiasm, speaking loudly and sweating. He is mandated to pay nearly $5,000 in fines by Halloween or the City of Ottawa By-Law Authority will visit his home, rape his wife and murder his children.

2016 Rio Summer Olympics to Introduce Marco-Polo



Olympians train for Marco-Polo event

The Turnip News
2016 Rio Olympics“It’s been a huge dream of mine to finally compete in an Olympic event,” said Canadian swimmer Alex McCarthy who will be part of Canada’s 2016 Marco-Polo team when the next summer Olympics are held in Rio.

“Now if you’ll excuse me… I’ve got to get back to my training,” exclaimed McCarthy who steadily maneuvered himself around the shallow end of the swimming pool while his teammate strategically tried to find him with his eyes closed by yelling out “Marco!” to which McCarthy was forced to whisper back.. “polo….”.

These athletes have been training non-stop for the past six months and know how much is at stake and the skill involved. “You’ve got to be able to listen carefully to others responding “Polo” while you are blind and have to rely on your instincts alone,” said American competitor Marcus Palson.

“It’s also hard the other way. You try to be really quiet and dodge the other guy coming at you, and avoid getting touched,” he added. “The benefit is of course, you can see and he can’t.”

Palson then continued on with his training, amazingly catching someone out of the pool in mid-scrum “FISH OUTTA WATER!!! FISH OUTTA WATER!!!” GOTCHA!!!”.

Each team of Marco-Polo Olympians will compete with hopes of winning a gold medal and a pair of complimentary orange floaties. Other new summer sports to be introduced in 2016 include the Bean Bag Toss and the very popular Eye-Spy-With-My-Little-Eye, an event typically dominated by the Chinese.
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Microbiological Warfare Threatens Ant Colony