New “Tebow-ing” Pose That Of Someone Holding A Cardboard Box Full Of Personal Belongings

CFL Teams Offering Canadian Tire Money As Contract Incentives

The Turnip News
As part of a recent marketing push to entice more players to sign lengthy contracts with various CFL franchises, teams will now be allowed to offer Canadian Tire money as additional incentives alongside real money. The currency, which can only be spent at any of the iconic nation-wide stores will be offered to players in order to convince them to remain in the CFL and not switch over to the NFL or choose another profession altogether which technically pays more like a personal trainer or a high school janitor.

“We want Canadian players to know the CFL is where they should be,” said CFL Commissioner Mark Cohon.
“We offer health benefits, a decent salary, opportunities for growth and a pretty hefty bankroll of Canadian Tire cash they can use for anything they want,” exclaimed Cohon.

“In addition to their moderate salaries, the remaining compensation includes their pick of anything in our stores! Camping gear, flashlights, car repairs, décor and even some decent football equipment,” said Canadian Tire Media Relations Officer, Kevin Baird.

The CFL’s new clause allows for players to receive up to $5,000 in Canadian Tire money, depending on the contract agreement and how much a team is willing to spend. The decision comes shortly after a failed attempt last season by the Hamilton Tiger-Cats to offer newly signed players Tim Hortons Tim-Bits in exchange for signing a contract…any contract.

So If You Consider Heroin As A “Drug” Then Go Ahead And Call Me A Drug Addict!

Written by
A Heroin-Shooting Chron Head

For the better half of the last 13 years, people have constantly been preaching to me about their over-the-top judgements, misguided opinions and the way they put labels on everything. That’s a real pet peeve of mine, people who feel the need to label EVERYTHING. These pessimists and naysayers keep getting on my last nerve when they tell me that heroin is a “drug” and that “it’s highly addictive and could kill you”. Well if that’s the case and you consider it as a drug, even something so harmless as heroin, then consider me a drug addict!

Because I gotta tell ya, I use heroin so routinely that yes, technically I’m a “drug user” if you wanted to label it that way. And lemme guess – you would also consider the action of “injecting pure, uncut drugs straight into my bloodstream using a syringe” as “junkie-type behaviour” right? Ya ya, I’ve heard it all before. Maybe you should take the time to look into the mirror and judge your own life instead of labelling me and what I do almost every day when I have enough scratch to buy my shit. Oh, well excuse me Mr. No Fun. You DO know that I’m not the only one in the world to use heroin. There are millions of these so called “addicts” out there, so before you make judgements on little ol’ me, you’d better make judgements on everyone. Yes I bubble heroin in a spoon and then wrap my belt around my arm to get that one perfect throbbing vein ready for the puncture of my needle from which liquid heaven rushes into my entire body in a matter of seconds, but to be honest, who doesn’t?

Quit pretending like you’re NOT the only person who still considers heroin a drug. Because if that’s true, then label me a “junkie” I suppose.

Just Because I’m A Doctor, Doesn’t Mean I Know What That Thing On Your Forehead Is

The Turnip News - Opinion
By an Oshawa Doctor

Please sir, calm down. I realize that you must be frustrated right now and to be honest, who wouldn’t be!? You come in here looking for a competent, knowledgeable, well-learned Doctor to diagnose whatever that hideous protuberance is on your head is, and instead you get me.

Look. I’m not saying I’m not a Doctor. Oh no, not at all. I received my Ph.D. in medicine and healthcare from the University of Waterloo when I was 33. I have been practicing medicine for the past 19 years and am quite trained and experienced to handle any sort of incident from patients suffering any number of malfeasance. But I’m sorry to say, in this case, that largely disgusting pulsating lump jamming out the right side of your forehead baffles me to no end. I have no fucking clue what it is. Sorry.

Now, now, no need to get more mad. I mean, who knows what that will do to your second head sticking out the front of your skull. It may even make the god-damn thing worse. And quit touching it! I have no clue what that could do it, but I’m sure it could, possibly, infect it? – aaaaah, this is doozy. What the hell is with the purple mark on the side of it? Jesus… How the fuck did this happen again? Here, let me refer you to a colleague of mine who might be able to help. No, he’s really good, almost as well-trained as me. But this guy has a real passion for the extraordinary and downright strange so this may be right up his alley. Oh Christ, is it bleeding too? We should get to you a Doctor who can tell us what you’re dealing with here. Uuugh, sorry, but I can’t do anything else for you.

Anyways, Lunch time! Talk to my Secretary and she’ll set up another meeting for you.

Good luck with that!
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Oslo Attacks Already Made Into Hollywood Blockbuster

> Major motion picture already has director, cast members and release date in selected theatres.

Sesame Street To Introduce Crack Whore Puppet?

The Turnip News

The most famous children’s television show in history is trying to engage more viewers by making its characters more realistic and believable. According to reports from on-set, Sesame Street will be introducing a new character to the fold known informally as the “Raging Crack Whore” puppet.

 

The show’s producers have hinted the new personality will be a young woman who lives on the street, has sex for money and is intensely addicted to some form of illegal substance, most likely crack. “We want our viewers to believe that Sesame Street is a real place.

One of the ways we remain so successful is by introducing characters who have depth, realism and self-destructive behaviour that leads them down a path towards blowing strangers in alleys to support their crack habit,” said one of the show’s writers.

“Not to say anything official yet, but we do have something in the works that will bring some sort of nasty-ass dope head freak into the mix. It’s very exciting.”

The show’s producers have been tight-lipped about the new addition until a few days ago when an episode was aired that featured a one-time cameo appearance of the character “Minnie The Meth-Head”.
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Hockey Player Unaware He’s Playing With Swimming Pool Noodle

The Turnip News

TORONTO - Toronto Maple Leaf winger Tyler Bozak was left red-faced after practice Wednesday upon learning he was skating around using a foam swimming noodle instead of a hockey stick for the entire two hours. “The last thing I wanna do is embarrass myself, but this was ridiculous.

"I had no idea,” exclaimed the baffled second-year rookie who had also just signed a contract extension with the NHL club. Bozak was oddly seen skating around pilons, doing shooting drills and even taping up his water flotation device with black hockey tape.

“When the guys told me after practice what I was holding, I thought they were just fuckin’ with me. And then I looked down and saw I was in fact holding this foam noodle thing! Boy did I feel silly, lemme tell you,” exclaimed Bozak. Nearby scouts didn’t have the heart to tell the lil guy what was going on after seeing him examining the “curve” of his “stick” and then going about the drills as if he had a regular hockey stick in hand.
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