The Turnip News
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According to reports that surfaced early Wednesday morning, a man’s reflection in a mirror reflected off another mirror and then looked into that very same mirror. It’s unclear whether or not the reflection of the man’s first reflection was being reflected by his face, or by the reflection of his face off the other mirror. A nearby witness acknowledged the man was looking into one mirror, whose reflection bounced back into another mirror, thus creating the illusion of him looking back into that same mirror.
“Yea, he was staring right into the mirror, and that reflected image bounced off the other mirror, and so on and so forth,” said the passerby who requested to remain anonymous. “I guess you could say he was looking at himself, looking at himself while looking into himself,” said the witness, while staring off into the distance.
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The Turnip News
WESTBORO - “I thought this was the ‘8 Items or Less’ cash? What the fuck is taking so long?!," angrily pondered area grocer Ron Cole to himself while waiting in line at the local Superstore.
“I can see you’ve only got three TV dinners, a pomegranate and some fucking magazines. Why does the cashier need to call somebody in the Frozen Food Section!?!?” exclaimed Cole loudly in his mind to himself. “AAARRRRRRGH!!!!!” he repeated mentally while swaying back and forth and glaringly staring at the cashier and customer who were now definitely holding up the rest of the line.
This wasn't the first time Cole had to wait for something. Just last week he had to "stand around" for an extra four minutes while Blockbuster cashier had to "fix the computer" in order for Cole’s membership card to be accessed. “For fuck's sake!!”, he said aloud in his mind.
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The Turnip News
OSHAWA - In what is being labeled as a “terrible scheduling mistake”, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge ran away screaming yesterday, fleeing for their lives upon accidentally winding up in the poverty and crime-ravaged crap hole that is Oshawa, Ontario. “We’re lucky to be alive,” said a visibly shaken and distraught Kate Middleton to reporters, while trying desperately to conceal her extreme terror. “Our first mistake was exiting the vehicle...,” she quivered just before breaking down and sobbing uncontrollably in a fit of paralyzing fear and shock. According to witnesses, a group of filth-ridden mongrels (known as Oshawans) smelled the newcomers’ arrival and began chasing them with pitch forks, shovels and dismembered human body parts, (likely from other tourists unlucky enough to have stopped in the pit-stain-sorry-excuse-for-a-town).
Although Will and Kate had an entourage of security to protect them, they still only managed to escape the “absolute shit-stain of a place” by the skin of their teeth. Police later confirmed several members of the Royal security squad were abducted and likely later tortured and killed in one of Oshawa’s many underground caves where most of the townsfolk live. “I just couldn’t believe that these sort of places existed in Ontario,” said William. “Dirty little kids walking around with no shoes on… Horribly disfigured mongoloids chasing us with hand-made weaponry… And that diner around the corner? Holy fuck. Talk about ghetto,” he added.
As of press time, the couple had managed to move on from the terrible ordeal and arrived at their initial destination of downtown Toronto where they made their scheduled public appearance. Will and Kate later made a heartfelt warning to all Canadians and human beings, pleading them to stay away from Oshawa if they knew what was good for them.
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The Turnip News
VANCOUVER - Following a horrifying string of violent outbursts and vandalism, Vancouver citizens collectively acknowledged they had no idea their city’s NHL team had just lost Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. “Really? The Canucks were playing tonight?” said a puzzled Ben Nicholson, 31, right before hurling a metal garbage can into the windshield of an unoccupied police cruiser.
Although initial media reports suggested the rioting was in retaliation to a collective disappointment of Boston winning the Stanley Cup, it was later confirmed that the hundreds of thousands of crazed lunatics were simply destroying their own city "for the fuck of it".
“The Canucks are an awesome hockey team! I hope we beat the Whalers next week!” screamed one inebriated, clearly uninformed fan to another. Local journalists reported several incidents of people smashing store windows, burning cars and throwing flares into crowds simply because “it was a Wednesday.”
Local store owner Chris Mackenzie, 52, was baffled by the remorseless violence and disrespect shown outside his convenience store. “I was telling everyone to calm down, don’t worry, and that the Canucks will win the Cup next year…they all just stopped and stared blankly at me for a second and then bum-rushed me!. It was horrifying and confusing at the same time. Do these people not know WHY they are looting or beating me senseless?” exclaimed Mackenzie while being trampled without mercy.
Even several interviews with various passive onlookers of the chaos sprouted further evidence that no one had any fucking idea that the Canucks had just lost. “You’re kidding me, right!? I thought they played on Sunday? Against….aaaaaah. Some team. Can’t think of it now, but are you seeing this crazy shit!? AWESOME!” the fan said while he watched a group of drunk degenerates toss a cinder block through a nearby Toys R Us window.
At press time, thousands of rioters were collectively asking local reporters “what was the final score of the “Grizzlies game”.
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MESA, ARZ. - The amazing perseverance of the human spirit and a strong will to live helped local climber Rex Jennings escape the Red River Canyon alive, but not without a price. During an afternoon of hiking and rock climbing on Saturday, Jennings fell in between a narrow crevice, wedging his left arm in between a large boulder and pinning him there for what seemed like an eternity. It wasn’t until 40 grueling seconds later, that Jennings first contemplated cutting off his own arm to escape.
“I remember being down there for so long. The first 10-15 seconds I kept thinking that someone would come save me. But after about 40 seconds, I drank all my water, ate all my food and I was beginning to hallucinate,” explained Jennings, who was close to giving up all other options for survival.
The exhausted hiker also documented much of his ordeal using his video camera, where he morbidly addresses his family that he might soon die, after feeling utterly hopeless at the 56-second mark.
The video camera has over a minute-and-a-half of raw, unedited footage.
Then, as if a sudden jolt of adrenaline along with a horrifying realization, Jennings then broke his arm and began to saw it off using his pocket knife. But at that point, being stuck for just under two minutes, what choice did he have.
“I knew I had been there long enough. If someone didn’t find me after two minutes, what’s another two minutes going to do for me. So I got out my pocket knife and started hacking away,” said Jennings.
When the dehydrated, exhausted hiker managed to escape the canyon, he was found by a group of nearby climbers 84-seconds later.
“It’s surprising that he could have lasted that long down there,” said rescuer David Krengle.
“I don’t know what I would have done, but he’s one tough son-of-a-bitch, being stuck down there for almost three minutes. But he did what he had to do. He would have died down there without any more food or water for another 127 seconds.”
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