Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Taylor Swift Devastated After Learning There Is No Santa
A bed-ridden, deeply depressed Taylor Swift was reportedly extremely shocked and saddened after finding out from a friend that Santa Clause is in fact, not real.
“Then who puts all the presents under the tree every year!!? HUH!??!” exclaimed a tearful Swift to her friend while Christmas shopping at a nearby mall. After informing Swift of the news and the fact that it would be physically impossible for anyone to deliver presents to every single child in the world in one night, she allegedly rebutted with “It’s because he’s magic! Everyone knows that!” before storming out of the Gap and through the food court. Nearby shoppers were also surprised for two reasons: 1: That Taylor Swift was out in public at the mall and 2: A grown woman was weeping because she actually still believed in Santa and finding out the truth was simply unbearable.
After rushing home and slamming the door to her bedroom, Swift has not exited since Monday evening. Reporters staked outside her home have not seen the country singer since, but reportedly can hear screams of sorrow and anguish coming from her bedroom window every so often.
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“Then who puts all the presents under the tree every year!!? HUH!??!” exclaimed a tearful Swift to her friend while Christmas shopping at a nearby mall. After informing Swift of the news and the fact that it would be physically impossible for anyone to deliver presents to every single child in the world in one night, she allegedly rebutted with “It’s because he’s magic! Everyone knows that!” before storming out of the Gap and through the food court. Nearby shoppers were also surprised for two reasons: 1: That Taylor Swift was out in public at the mall and 2: A grown woman was weeping because she actually still believed in Santa and finding out the truth was simply unbearable.
After rushing home and slamming the door to her bedroom, Swift has not exited since Monday evening. Reporters staked outside her home have not seen the country singer since, but reportedly can hear screams of sorrow and anguish coming from her bedroom window every so often.
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Thursday, December 13, 2012
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Report Confirms Food Basics One Depressing-Ass Place
As part of a year-long study into the societal abyss known as the Food Basics grocery store chain, Ottawa-area scientists, psychologists and social interaction experts concluded “this shit-hole is unbelievably depressing”.
Taking into account several different locations across the city, the report covers aspects such as store cleanliness, number of customers wearing jogging pants, the layout of the stores and even the amount of mumbling cashiers pathetically telling shoppers over the intercom about daily deals. “We looked at several different factors during this study,” said Dr. Melvin Finnigan MD. “The people trudging up and down the aisles, the stench of despair and even the number of single mothers pushing their second-hand strollers down the frozen food section all played into our conclusion that damn, this place makes me wanna throw myself in front of a train."
The study of course lists the number of people who actually kill themselves in Food Basics, the average amount of minutes spent searching for coupons while at the cash, the number of fights that break out and the salaries of the employees along with their marital statuses.
The study follows a series of other controversial work done by this particular Ottawa research group. Last month they published a 90-page document outlining why Heatherington Rd. has the highest-grade of cocaine anywhere in the world, why Arby’s is do godmamn amazing and why French people don’t understand sarcasm.
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