Oslo Attacks Already Made Into Hollywood Blockbuster

> Major motion picture already has director, cast members and release date in selected theatres.

Sesame Street To Introduce Crack Whore Puppet?

The Turnip News

The most famous children’s television show in history is trying to engage more viewers by making its characters more realistic and believable. According to reports from on-set, Sesame Street will be introducing a new character to the fold known informally as the “Raging Crack Whore” puppet.

 

The show’s producers have hinted the new personality will be a young woman who lives on the street, has sex for money and is intensely addicted to some form of illegal substance, most likely crack. “We want our viewers to believe that Sesame Street is a real place.

One of the ways we remain so successful is by introducing characters who have depth, realism and self-destructive behaviour that leads them down a path towards blowing strangers in alleys to support their crack habit,” said one of the show’s writers.

“Not to say anything official yet, but we do have something in the works that will bring some sort of nasty-ass dope head freak into the mix. It’s very exciting.”

The show’s producers have been tight-lipped about the new addition until a few days ago when an episode was aired that featured a one-time cameo appearance of the character “Minnie The Meth-Head”.
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Hockey Player Unaware He’s Playing With Swimming Pool Noodle

The Turnip News

TORONTO - Toronto Maple Leaf winger Tyler Bozak was left red-faced after practice Wednesday upon learning he was skating around using a foam swimming noodle instead of a hockey stick for the entire two hours. “The last thing I wanna do is embarrass myself, but this was ridiculous.

"I had no idea,” exclaimed the baffled second-year rookie who had also just signed a contract extension with the NHL club. Bozak was oddly seen skating around pilons, doing shooting drills and even taping up his water flotation device with black hockey tape.

“When the guys told me after practice what I was holding, I thought they were just fuckin’ with me. And then I looked down and saw I was in fact holding this foam noodle thing! Boy did I feel silly, lemme tell you,” exclaimed Bozak. Nearby scouts didn’t have the heart to tell the lil guy what was going on after seeing him examining the “curve” of his “stick” and then going about the drills as if he had a regular hockey stick in hand.
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Man Looking Into Mirror Looking Into Mirror Looks Into Mirror

The Turnip News
Location: Unknown
According to reports that surfaced early Wednesday morning, a man’s reflection in a mirror reflected off another mirror and then looked into that very same mirror. It’s unclear whether or not the reflection of the man’s first reflection was being reflected by his face, or by the reflection of his face off the other mirror. A nearby witness acknowledged the man was looking into one mirror, whose reflection bounced back into another mirror, thus creating the illusion of him looking back into that same mirror.

“Yea, he was staring right into the mirror, and that reflected image bounced off the other mirror, and so on and so forth,” said the passerby who requested to remain anonymous. “I guess you could say he was looking at himself, looking at himself while looking into himself,” said the witness, while staring off into the distance.
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Area Man Wondering What’s Taking So Fucking Long

The Turnip News

WESTBORO - “I thought this was the ‘8 Items or Less’ cash? What the fuck is taking so long?!," angrily pondered area grocer Ron Cole to himself while waiting in line at the local Superstore.

“I can see you’ve only got three TV dinners, a pomegranate and some fucking magazines. Why does the cashier need to call somebody in the Frozen Food Section!?!?” exclaimed Cole loudly in his mind to himself. “AAARRRRRRGH!!!!!” he repeated mentally while swaying back and forth and glaringly staring at the cashier and customer who were now definitely holding up the rest of the line.

This wasn't the first time Cole had to wait for something. Just last week he had to "stand around" for an extra four minutes while Blockbuster cashier had to "fix the computer" in order for Cole’s membership card to be accessed. “For fuck's sake!!”, he said aloud in his mind.
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Royal Couple Run Away Screaming After Accidentally Visiting Oshawa

The Turnip News

OSHAWA - In what is being labeled as a “terrible scheduling mistake”, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge ran away screaming yesterday, fleeing for their lives upon accidentally winding up in the poverty and crime-ravaged crap hole that is Oshawa, Ontario. “We’re lucky to be alive,” said a visibly shaken and distraught Kate Middleton to reporters, while trying desperately to conceal her extreme terror. “Our first mistake was exiting the vehicle...,” she quivered just before breaking down and sobbing uncontrollably in a fit of paralyzing fear and shock. According to witnesses, a group of filth-ridden mongrels (known as Oshawans) smelled the newcomers’ arrival and began chasing them with pitch forks, shovels and dismembered human body parts, (likely from other tourists unlucky enough to have stopped in the pit-stain-sorry-excuse-for-a-town).

Although Will and Kate had an entourage of security to protect them, they still only managed to escape the “absolute shit-stain of a place” by the skin of their teeth. Police later confirmed several members of the Royal security squad were abducted and likely later tortured and killed in one of Oshawa’s many underground caves where most of the townsfolk live. “I just couldn’t believe that these sort of places existed in Ontario,” said William. “Dirty little kids walking around with no shoes on… Horribly disfigured mongoloids chasing us with hand-made weaponry… And that diner around the corner? Holy fuck. Talk about ghetto,” he added.

As of press time, the couple had managed to move on from the terrible ordeal and arrived at their initial destination of downtown Toronto where they made their scheduled public appearance. Will and Kate later made a heartfelt warning to all Canadians and human beings, pleading them to stay away from Oshawa if they knew what was good for them.
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