Bad Samaritan Holds Victim Down During Mugging

The Turnip NewsA bad Samaritan came to the rescue of an area thief yesterday afternoon after an attempted mugging almost went awry. Theresa Morifin, 48, was walking home from work just after 7 pm when a crazed assaulter jumped out of an alleyway and attempted to steal her purse. Morifin managed to temporarily fend off her attacker until local bad Samaritan, Joseph Hahmoudi, 29, showed up and held her down. “I’m no hero,” said Hahmoudi. “I saw someone in need (of a purse), and I did what I could to help him out.” The victim was forcibly held down long enough for the mugger to snatch her purse, yank off an expensive pearl necklace and take her wedding ring. “I was just at the right place at the right time,” exclaimd Hamoudi, who then gave the thief directions to the nearest bus station so he could lay low for a while. “It’s all about helping out your fellow man, ya know?.” He exclaimed.
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City of Ottawa Bans Breathing Too Loudly

Ottawa is home to the first city in the world where breathing too loudly is now a crime.
By-Law officers will be targeting members of the public who exhale “way too loudly” or “breath in and out in an overemphasized, unnecessary manner.”

This newest By-Law passed by City Hall yesterday afternoon expects to rid the city of exasperated, whiney people who often sigh or pant without any foreseen reason, making it difficult for others to focus on being enslaved and over-regulated. Methods of determining infractions include equipping officers with a breathing apparatus they may use to determine if someone’s breathing is too loud. If that person is proven to have made a sigh above 0.0000042 decibels, that person may be subject to prosecution.

Granted some people are viewing the restriction as an infringement on their rights to breath however they choose, but many others are in favour.

“It’s about fucking time!” exclaimed Barry Shoulster, 32. “I need someone to tell me how to run my life and what to do every minute of every day. Why should breathing be any different?” he said. Shoulster was then handed several tickets by a nearby By-Law officer, citing infractions which included swearing, enthusiasm, speaking loudly and sweating. He is mandated to pay nearly $5,000 in fines by Halloween or the City of Ottawa By-Law Authority will visit his home, rape his wife and murder his children.

2016 Rio Summer Olympics to Introduce Marco-Polo



Olympians train for Marco-Polo event

The Turnip News
2016 Rio Olympics“It’s been a huge dream of mine to finally compete in an Olympic event,” said Canadian swimmer Alex McCarthy who will be part of Canada’s 2016 Marco-Polo team when the next summer Olympics are held in Rio.

“Now if you’ll excuse me… I’ve got to get back to my training,” exclaimed McCarthy who steadily maneuvered himself around the shallow end of the swimming pool while his teammate strategically tried to find him with his eyes closed by yelling out “Marco!” to which McCarthy was forced to whisper back.. “polo….”.

These athletes have been training non-stop for the past six months and know how much is at stake and the skill involved. “You’ve got to be able to listen carefully to others responding “Polo” while you are blind and have to rely on your instincts alone,” said American competitor Marcus Palson.

“It’s also hard the other way. You try to be really quiet and dodge the other guy coming at you, and avoid getting touched,” he added. “The benefit is of course, you can see and he can’t.”

Palson then continued on with his training, amazingly catching someone out of the pool in mid-scrum “FISH OUTTA WATER!!! FISH OUTTA WATER!!!” GOTCHA!!!”.

Each team of Marco-Polo Olympians will compete with hopes of winning a gold medal and a pair of complimentary orange floaties. Other new summer sports to be introduced in 2016 include the Bean Bag Toss and the very popular Eye-Spy-With-My-Little-Eye, an event typically dominated by the Chinese.
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Microbiological Warfare Threatens Ant Colony

Area Customer Would Like To Speak To Manager

The Turnip News
After receiving a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger with onions after specifically telling the cashier to “hold the onions” local customer Bernice Rawlings reportedly asked if she could speak to the manager and that the mix-up was completely unacceptable. Patrons at the Wendy’s restaurant chain witnessed Rawlings sit at a nearby booth with her food, open up the wrapping of the alleged cheeseburger, lift up the bun and mumble to herself “oh, you gotta be fucking kidding me!”. That was around the time Rawlings marched right up to the counter with her burger and asked the front cashier, Janice Smith, to see the manager.

“I said no onions,” Rawlings emphatically pointed out while showing Smith the burger with the top bun lifted off. “As you can see, there are TONS of onions on this thing! Where’s the manager!?” she continued.

Reports indicated that Rawlings did receive a second Junior Bacon Cheeseburger free of charge, along with a free coupon of some sort. Later, staff talked with journalists after Ralwings had exited the building upon getting her proper order.

“Ya, we gave her another cheeseburger, but she doesn’t know I horked in it,” said Burger Line Cook, David Lunsky. “I hope she chokes on it. That’ll teach her not to complain so much to people working 52 hours a week getting below minimum wage.”
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Vegetarian Zombie Struggles With Eating Brains

The Turnip News
Recently-turned Zombie known only as “Jeb” admitted to reporters yesterday afternoon he’s having trouble being a vegetarian and now being forced to switch to an all-brain diet. Being a vegetarian zombie having to only feed on the live flesh of human beings has been troublesome to the say the least, according to the undead evil abomination. “Huuaaraarrrrr, aarrrgh aagghg gaaaaa!” moaned Jeb who had the difficult choice of having to devour the cracked-open skull of a recently deceased man lying on the sidewalk in front of him or stumbling across the street to look desperately  for some kind of vegetable or tofu patty.

It was also apparent to other Zombies that Jeb’s hesitant behaviour was frowned upon which created obvious tension inside the circle of mindless, aggressive drones roaming the destruction-riddled streets looking for humans to kill.

“Buurrggghhh, aarghgghh aaaaaah!” screamed Jeb voicing his displeasure of being forced to consume bits and pieces of bone, skin and blood as opposed to a freshly tossed spinach salad with a flavourful light vinaigrette dressing.
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Drive-By-Shooting Victim Shockingly Known to Police

The Turnip News
After Friday’s tragic drive-by-shooting which left one victim dead and two others injured, police have concluded a shocking piece of evidence that no one in the community saw coming: the victim was known to police.

According to Detroit Police Department Commissioner Donnell White, the deceased victim was both a convicted felon and surprisingly had a long rap sheet of serious criminal offences, many of which were drug-related, which was a huge surprise.

“Our victim, who was tragically gunned down last week, had a history with the DPD,” said White in a statement not even local reporters would have guessed.
“I know this comes as a very big surprise to everyone, but the departed in question had a well-documented past of being in trouble with the law,” he added. "I know... even I can't comprehend this. I thought I had seen it all, but I guess not."

Local residents of the drug-infested community of Tower Heights near downtown Detroit also expressed feelings of disbelief and shock upon hearing the victim had been involved in illegal activity.

“I just can’t believe this!” said neighbourhood resident Will O’Neill. “You would think that someone who is shot to death in broad daylight out of nowhere would have no connection whatsoever to the culprits. But you see something new every day,” he said.
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