Friday, March 14, 2014
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Homeless Now Living in Ottawa Potholes
The Turnip News
OTTAWA, ONT. – Canada’s capital has been
applauded for its innovative use of potholes throughout the city. Instead of
just being burdens on drivers and cyclists as well as horrendous eye-sores,
several potholes around Ottawa have been used as places to live for the
homeless. With shelters being over-crowded this time of year and a lack of
social programs to help them obtain jobs, many homeless people in the area have
turned to potholes as a safe refuge of warmth and shelter.Some of the deeper, larger potholes even have the depth to create more than one living space – according to one man who has been living on the street for over a decade and just recently found his new “apartment” in the ground. “Check this out. I’ve got a dining room here, and my bedroom is over there,” echoed Barrie Johnson from the bottom of the pothole pointing out different corners of the dark abyss. “I know it’s hard to picture, but I actually have friends over sometimes and I even have a date tonight! Which reminds me, I gotta clean the place up a bit ya know!?,” he added while nearby cars roared passed.
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Wednesday, February 26, 2014
NHL Player Says “Obviously” 34 Times In Interview
Returning home from Sochi, Russia, New York
Islanders Captain John Tavares was still in favour of NHLers playing in the
Olympics despite his season-ending injury. He wasn’t shy to address the issue,
nor was he reluctant to not use the word “obviously” in nearly every sentence
he spoke to reporters.
“It’s obviously a tough situation,” said Tavares while commenting on his torn ACL suffered during Team Canada’s semi-final game against Latvia. “We obviously know the risks when we’re on the ice and it’s obviously a tough pill to swallow, but obviously it happens…Obviously,” he said.
With only two questions remaining in the interview, Tavares had used 29 “obviouslys” already and was gearing towards finishing off his comments with a few more.
“As hockey players, we obviously want to stay healthy. I obviously wanted to help my team win, make the playoffs obviously. Obviously it’s frustrating,” added Tavares before leaving the locker room only to look back at nearby arena staff and mutter “Obviously” to no one in particular. As of press time, reporters remained clueless as to how many god-damn times players use that word, right before Jonathon Toews spoke and used obviously nearly a hundred times in under a 2-minute span.
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“It’s obviously a tough situation,” said Tavares while commenting on his torn ACL suffered during Team Canada’s semi-final game against Latvia. “We obviously know the risks when we’re on the ice and it’s obviously a tough pill to swallow, but obviously it happens…Obviously,” he said.
With only two questions remaining in the interview, Tavares had used 29 “obviouslys” already and was gearing towards finishing off his comments with a few more.
“As hockey players, we obviously want to stay healthy. I obviously wanted to help my team win, make the playoffs obviously. Obviously it’s frustrating,” added Tavares before leaving the locker room only to look back at nearby arena staff and mutter “Obviously” to no one in particular. As of press time, reporters remained clueless as to how many god-damn times players use that word, right before Jonathon Toews spoke and used obviously nearly a hundred times in under a 2-minute span.
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Friday, January 3, 2014
Monday, December 9, 2013
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Friday, November 22, 2013
Celebrities Hosts Fundraiser for Endangered Two-Headed Turtles
The Turnip News
Movie stars, film producers and famous directors all gathered last night to help raise awareness for what is deemed as a “significant threat” to our country’s two-headed turtle population. The fundraiser hosted at George Clooney’s estate in the Hollywood Hills attracted hundreds of motion picture icons as well as conservation and wildlife activists.
“Did you know that one-in-three two-headed turtles will die each year before they reach maturity?” exclaimed Matt Damon. “I mean… seeing as how there are only three, two-headed turtles in the world, it really is shocking. We have to step up to the plate and find a way to help save these rare species of freak genetic mutation,” he added.
When asked about why the celebrities were not creating a fundraiser for something more common like cancer, diabetes or AIDS, many of the actors took offence. “How dare you bring that up here! We’re here to fight for something noble. The two-headed turtle is nearly extinct and all you can think of is cancer? Get out!,” said Sean Penn angrily.
The evening raised a total of $46 million to ensure the survival of one of three, two-headed turtles. “And with your support next year, we can hopefully earn enough to help support the other two…” said Bono.
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Movie stars, film producers and famous directors all gathered last night to help raise awareness for what is deemed as a “significant threat” to our country’s two-headed turtle population. The fundraiser hosted at George Clooney’s estate in the Hollywood Hills attracted hundreds of motion picture icons as well as conservation and wildlife activists.
“Did you know that one-in-three two-headed turtles will die each year before they reach maturity?” exclaimed Matt Damon. “I mean… seeing as how there are only three, two-headed turtles in the world, it really is shocking. We have to step up to the plate and find a way to help save these rare species of freak genetic mutation,” he added.
When asked about why the celebrities were not creating a fundraiser for something more common like cancer, diabetes or AIDS, many of the actors took offence. “How dare you bring that up here! We’re here to fight for something noble. The two-headed turtle is nearly extinct and all you can think of is cancer? Get out!,” said Sean Penn angrily.
The evening raised a total of $46 million to ensure the survival of one of three, two-headed turtles. “And with your support next year, we can hopefully earn enough to help support the other two…” said Bono.
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