Vegetarian Zombie Struggles With Eating Brains

The Turnip News
Recently-turned Zombie known only as “Jeb” admitted to reporters yesterday afternoon he’s having trouble being a vegetarian and now being forced to switch to an all-brain diet. Being a vegetarian zombie having to only feed on the live flesh of human beings has been troublesome to the say the least, according to the undead evil abomination. “Huuaaraarrrrr, aarrrgh aagghg gaaaaa!” moaned Jeb who had the difficult choice of having to devour the cracked-open skull of a recently deceased man lying on the sidewalk in front of him or stumbling across the street to look desperately  for some kind of vegetable or tofu patty.

It was also apparent to other Zombies that Jeb’s hesitant behaviour was frowned upon which created obvious tension inside the circle of mindless, aggressive drones roaming the destruction-riddled streets looking for humans to kill.

“Buurrggghhh, aarghgghh aaaaaah!” screamed Jeb voicing his displeasure of being forced to consume bits and pieces of bone, skin and blood as opposed to a freshly tossed spinach salad with a flavourful light vinaigrette dressing.
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Drive-By-Shooting Victim Shockingly Known to Police

The Turnip News
After Friday’s tragic drive-by-shooting which left one victim dead and two others injured, police have concluded a shocking piece of evidence that no one in the community saw coming: the victim was known to police.

According to Detroit Police Department Commissioner Donnell White, the deceased victim was both a convicted felon and surprisingly had a long rap sheet of serious criminal offences, many of which were drug-related, which was a huge surprise.

“Our victim, who was tragically gunned down last week, had a history with the DPD,” said White in a statement not even local reporters would have guessed.
“I know this comes as a very big surprise to everyone, but the departed in question had a well-documented past of being in trouble with the law,” he added. "I know... even I can't comprehend this. I thought I had seen it all, but I guess not."

Local residents of the drug-infested community of Tower Heights near downtown Detroit also expressed feelings of disbelief and shock upon hearing the victim had been involved in illegal activity.

“I just can’t believe this!” said neighbourhood resident Will O’Neill. “You would think that someone who is shot to death in broad daylight out of nowhere would have no connection whatsoever to the culprits. But you see something new every day,” he said.
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8-Year-Old Confirms You Are Poop-Head

The Turnip News

At press deadline last night just after supper-time, area 7-year-old Alivia Filoso confirmed that you are, indeed, a ‘poop-head.’

“I have a secret…” she whispered into your ear while excitedly rocking back and forth in her chair at the dinner table.

“You are a poop-head,” she emphatically stated, which was then followed by a series of uncontrollable giggling and eventual drooling. The confirmation from Filoso, who is studying extra-special hard to pass the 2nd grade, made several other statements last night about you which included your physical appearance, your smell and even the way you talk.

“You’re weird!” Filoso would later tell you, while pointing at your confused and annoyed face so that everyone at the table could stare at you.

Upon hearing from her mother to “settle down” Filoso reportedly looked bashfully at you for a few seconds before promptly punching you in the balls.

New “Tebow-ing” Pose That Of Someone Holding A Cardboard Box Full Of Personal Belongings

CFL Teams Offering Canadian Tire Money As Contract Incentives

The Turnip News
As part of a recent marketing push to entice more players to sign lengthy contracts with various CFL franchises, teams will now be allowed to offer Canadian Tire money as additional incentives alongside real money. The currency, which can only be spent at any of the iconic nation-wide stores will be offered to players in order to convince them to remain in the CFL and not switch over to the NFL or choose another profession altogether which technically pays more like a personal trainer or a high school janitor.

“We want Canadian players to know the CFL is where they should be,” said CFL Commissioner Mark Cohon.
“We offer health benefits, a decent salary, opportunities for growth and a pretty hefty bankroll of Canadian Tire cash they can use for anything they want,” exclaimed Cohon.

“In addition to their moderate salaries, the remaining compensation includes their pick of anything in our stores! Camping gear, flashlights, car repairs, décor and even some decent football equipment,” said Canadian Tire Media Relations Officer, Kevin Baird.

The CFL’s new clause allows for players to receive up to $5,000 in Canadian Tire money, depending on the contract agreement and how much a team is willing to spend. The decision comes shortly after a failed attempt last season by the Hamilton Tiger-Cats to offer newly signed players Tim Hortons Tim-Bits in exchange for signing a contract…any contract.

So If You Consider Heroin As A “Drug” Then Go Ahead And Call Me A Drug Addict!

Written by
A Heroin-Shooting Chron Head

For the better half of the last 13 years, people have constantly been preaching to me about their over-the-top judgements, misguided opinions and the way they put labels on everything. That’s a real pet peeve of mine, people who feel the need to label EVERYTHING. These pessimists and naysayers keep getting on my last nerve when they tell me that heroin is a “drug” and that “it’s highly addictive and could kill you”. Well if that’s the case and you consider it as a drug, even something so harmless as heroin, then consider me a drug addict!

Because I gotta tell ya, I use heroin so routinely that yes, technically I’m a “drug user” if you wanted to label it that way. And lemme guess – you would also consider the action of “injecting pure, uncut drugs straight into my bloodstream using a syringe” as “junkie-type behaviour” right? Ya ya, I’ve heard it all before. Maybe you should take the time to look into the mirror and judge your own life instead of labelling me and what I do almost every day when I have enough scratch to buy my shit. Oh, well excuse me Mr. No Fun. You DO know that I’m not the only one in the world to use heroin. There are millions of these so called “addicts” out there, so before you make judgements on little ol’ me, you’d better make judgements on everyone. Yes I bubble heroin in a spoon and then wrap my belt around my arm to get that one perfect throbbing vein ready for the puncture of my needle from which liquid heaven rushes into my entire body in a matter of seconds, but to be honest, who doesn’t?

Quit pretending like you’re NOT the only person who still considers heroin a drug. Because if that’s true, then label me a “junkie” I suppose.

Just Because I’m A Doctor, Doesn’t Mean I Know What That Thing On Your Forehead Is

The Turnip News - Opinion
By an Oshawa Doctor

Please sir, calm down. I realize that you must be frustrated right now and to be honest, who wouldn’t be!? You come in here looking for a competent, knowledgeable, well-learned Doctor to diagnose whatever that hideous protuberance is on your head is, and instead you get me.

Look. I’m not saying I’m not a Doctor. Oh no, not at all. I received my Ph.D. in medicine and healthcare from the University of Waterloo when I was 33. I have been practicing medicine for the past 19 years and am quite trained and experienced to handle any sort of incident from patients suffering any number of malfeasance. But I’m sorry to say, in this case, that largely disgusting pulsating lump jamming out the right side of your forehead baffles me to no end. I have no fucking clue what it is. Sorry.

Now, now, no need to get more mad. I mean, who knows what that will do to your second head sticking out the front of your skull. It may even make the god-damn thing worse. And quit touching it! I have no clue what that could do it, but I’m sure it could, possibly, infect it? – aaaaah, this is doozy. What the hell is with the purple mark on the side of it? Jesus… How the fuck did this happen again? Here, let me refer you to a colleague of mine who might be able to help. No, he’s really good, almost as well-trained as me. But this guy has a real passion for the extraordinary and downright strange so this may be right up his alley. Oh Christ, is it bleeding too? We should get to you a Doctor who can tell us what you’re dealing with here. Uuugh, sorry, but I can’t do anything else for you.

Anyways, Lunch time! Talk to my Secretary and she’ll set up another meeting for you.

Good luck with that!
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