The Turnip News

Thursday, September 10, 2015

We Interview Ryan Reynolds - Founder Of Reynolds Wrap!

Monday, September 7, 2015

Authorities Capture Convicted Murderer Andrew Dufresne

The Turnip News (Archived Story, originally published September 7th, 1970)

MEXCIO - On June 12th, 1966,convicted murderer Andy Dufresne escaped from Shawshank Federal Prison. On September 6th, 1970 - he was captured.

What has been nearly a five-year manhunt culminated yesterday on a remote beach in Zihuatanejo, Mexico where he had been living his life with fellow escaped murderer Ellis Boyd "Red" Redding.

The two psychopaths had been ducking authorities for some time under false identities which allowed them to leave the country undetected. Dufresne was convicted in the 1930s of killing his wife and then having the balls to lie about it and blame it on some someone else. Either way, the judge and jury didn't buy that crap and Dufresne was handed life in prison.

"This is a great day for justice," said FBI field agent David Fisher who was one of the officers who put the cuffs back on Andy after so many years. "Our judicial system had found this man guilty of murdering his wife and as such - was given a life sentence. When he escaped, we always knew we had to bring him back," added Fisher.

"This animal belongs behind bars."

Police expedited Dufresne and Red back to Shawshank where they will spend the rest of their miserable lives in solitary confinement.

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Thursday, September 3, 2015

Man Facing Life In Prison Wearing "No Regrets" T-Shirt

Hollywood's Successful Siblings - Mekhi & Michelle Pfeiffer. "This brother-sister combination has been taking the movie industry by storm for years!"

The Turnip News
Hollywood actor Mekhi Pfeiffer sits comfortably on our interview couch, sipping his morning coffee while checking a few emails on his Samsung Galaxy. The Turnip News Entertainment staff is eagerly awaiting the arrival of his older sister, Michelle, who is stuck in traffic and running late. This is one of those rare times these siblings have sat down together for a joint interview. Mekhi abruptly laughs when our News Editor informs him about Michelle's status. "Of course! That's SO Michelle," he exclaims. "Never on time!".

After a few more minutes, Michelle finally arrives and gets settled in next to her baby bro. "Sorry I'm late, what'd I miss? You tell them anything embarrassing about me yet?" she jokes while nudging her brother who can't help but show a mischievous grin.

The interview begins and it's obvious the success these two share on the big-screen is only matched by their uncanny physical similarities and common idiosyncrasies.

The conversation starts off fluid and light but we dive deep and uncover some shocking surprises about their success, living as the superstars they are today and where they came from... Learn more about the interview - visit The Turnip News next week...

Monday, April 13, 2015

Leafs Admit They Still Aren't Sure Exactly What Playoffs Are

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Depressed Phil Kessel Eats Ice Cream Alone In Bathtub

REPORT: Tom Brady Played With Inflated Helmet

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Forest Whitaker's Good Eye Gives Us Fascinating Interview

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Chris Brown Disgusted With Jian Gomeshi's Behaviour

The Turnip News
Grammy-Award winning recording artist and convicted felon Chris Brown revealed in a recent magazine interview that he is "disgusted" with the behaviour of former CBC radio host Jian Gomeshi.

In an exclusive interview for an article in The Source hip-hop magazine to be released November 17th, Brown, who has been convicted of domestic violence for assaulting fellow pop artist Rihanna, expressed his disappointment and outrage of Gomeshi's behaviour.

"How could you hit a woman? Slap or close-fist, it doesn't matter - it's ALL assault and it's intolerable. Someone should lock this prick up," exclaimed Brown during the interview.

Brown, who has on more than one occasion, caused facial bruising and scars to many women's faces using only his fists, added Gomeshi "should be ashamed of his deplorable actions."

Brown finished the interview early to attend a preliminary court hearing stemming from charges in 2009 when he allegedly throttled and choke-slammed a female photographer for taking pictures of him leaving a downtown New York club.
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Jian Gomeshi’s Lunch In CBC Breakroom Starting To Go Bad

The Turnip News
Embattled CBC radio host Jian Gomeshi has not returned to his office in nearly three weeks since being fired. He has been busy trying to salvage his reputation as CBC lawyers have launched an investigation which could lead to criminal charges – But all that doesn’t change the fact that his two-week-old ham and cheese sandwich on rye bread has started to rot and will soon emit a repulsive odour from the breakroom any day now.

(Right) Photo: The fridge that allegedly contains Gomeshi's sandwich since October 26th.

Here’s What We Know So Far

- October 26^th - 8:30am - Gomeshi places Tupperware container in fridge upon arrival at CBC building.

- 8:33am - Former Q Radio host walks to cubicle only to find news he has been released and is no longer on staff payroll.

- 8:34am - Security swiftly escorts Gomeshi from the premises as the sandwich remains in the fridge, untouched and well on its journey towards decay.

- November 4^th - 3:03pm It’s clear CBC staff seem to acknowledge the smell of rotting food in the fridge. The sandwich’s rye bread has now completely turned green and is clearly visibly inedible.

*As of November 5th press time, the sandwich remains inside the Tupperware container, but that may not last long until a staff member unlocks the Pandora's Box of rotting ham and cheese and inevitably tosses it into the garbage.

More to come as this story develops...