Sum 41 Concert Attracts Tens Of Fans

Scalding Lava Likely Factor In Volcano Death

The Turnip News

Although authorities have yet to comment on the death of Mineral Resource Engineer, Larry Weber, 42, who accidentally fell head first into a live volcano yesterday, scientists have already speculated that boiling, fiery lava is the likely cause of death.

A brief report released this morning takes into account several aspects of the accident but points mainly to one overall factor that likely contributed to Weber’s ultimate demise: a massive volcanic pit of seething lava reaching temperatures of around 1,200 degrees.

“We haven’t concluded our initial inquest into this terrible tragedy, but for now, it’s pretty safe to say it was the blistering heat of molten lava that caused Weber to instantaneously combust in a matter of nano-seconds,” said volcanic expert Shawn McDermott.

“Igneous rock heated by the core of the Earth’s crust until it becomes scorching liquid magma is dangerous enough. The fact that Weber fell head first into it…well, you can pretty much fill in the gaps there in terms of cause of death.”
<< >>

Westboro Hires Pied Piper To Get Rid Of All The Hipsters

Broadway Musical Demonstrates Hardships Of Being Filthy Rich CEOs

“Most people don’t know how we suffer. I mean, sure, I get paid millions every year along with massive bonuses and perks, but it’s really hard being a rich CEO.”