The Turnip News
After receiving a Junior Bacon Cheeseburger with onions after specifically telling the cashier to “hold the onions” local customer Bernice Rawlings reportedly asked if she could speak to the manager and that the mix-up was completely unacceptable. Patrons at the Wendy’s restaurant chain witnessed Rawlings sit at a nearby booth with her food, open up the wrapping of the alleged cheeseburger, lift up the bun and mumble to herself “oh, you gotta be fucking kidding me!”. That was around the time Rawlings marched right up to the counter with her burger and asked the front cashier, Janice Smith, to see the manager.
“I said no onions,” Rawlings emphatically pointed out while showing Smith the burger with the top bun lifted off. “As you can see, there are TONS of onions on this thing! Where’s the manager!?” she continued.
Reports indicated that Rawlings did receive a second Junior Bacon Cheeseburger free of charge, along with a free coupon of some sort. Later, staff talked with journalists after Ralwings had exited the building upon getting her proper order.
“Ya, we gave her another cheeseburger, but she doesn’t know I horked in it,” said Burger Line Cook, David Lunsky. “I hope she chokes on it. That’ll teach her not to complain so much to people working 52 hours a week getting below minimum wage.”
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Thursday, March 29, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Vegetarian Zombie Struggles With Eating Brains
Recently-turned Zombie known only as “Jeb” admitted to reporters yesterday afternoon he’s having trouble being a vegetarian and now being forced to switch to an all-brain diet. Being a vegetarian zombie having to only feed on the live flesh of human beings has been troublesome to the say the least, according to the undead evil abomination. “Huuaaraarrrrr, aarrrgh aagghg gaaaaa!” moaned Jeb who had the difficult choice of having to devour the cracked-open skull of a recently deceased man lying on the sidewalk in front of him or stumbling across the street to look desperately for some kind of vegetable or tofu patty.
It was also apparent to other Zombies that Jeb’s hesitant behaviour was frowned upon which created obvious tension inside the circle of mindless, aggressive drones roaming the destruction-riddled streets looking for humans to kill.
“Buurrggghhh, aarghgghh aaaaaah!” screamed Jeb voicing his displeasure of being forced to consume bits and pieces of bone, skin and blood as opposed to a freshly tossed spinach salad with a flavourful light vinaigrette dressing.
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Drive-By-Shooting Victim Shockingly Known to Police
The Turnip News
After Friday’s tragic drive-by-shooting which left one victim dead and two others injured, police have concluded a shocking piece of evidence that no one in the community saw coming: the victim was known to police.
According to Detroit Police Department Commissioner Donnell White, the deceased victim was both a convicted felon and surprisingly had a long rap sheet of serious criminal offences, many of which were drug-related, which was a huge surprise.
“Our victim, who was tragically gunned down last week, had a history with the DPD,” said White in a statement not even local reporters would have guessed.
“I know this comes as a very big surprise to everyone, but the departed in question had a well-documented past of being in trouble with the law,” he added. "I know... even I can't comprehend this. I thought I had seen it all, but I guess not."
Local residents of the drug-infested community of Tower Heights near downtown Detroit also expressed feelings of disbelief and shock upon hearing the victim had been involved in illegal activity.
“I just can’t believe this!” said neighbourhood resident Will O’Neill. “You would think that someone who is shot to death in broad daylight out of nowhere would have no connection whatsoever to the culprits. But you see something new every day,” he said.
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After Friday’s tragic drive-by-shooting which left one victim dead and two others injured, police have concluded a shocking piece of evidence that no one in the community saw coming: the victim was known to police.
According to Detroit Police Department Commissioner Donnell White, the deceased victim was both a convicted felon and surprisingly had a long rap sheet of serious criminal offences, many of which were drug-related, which was a huge surprise.
“Our victim, who was tragically gunned down last week, had a history with the DPD,” said White in a statement not even local reporters would have guessed.
“I know this comes as a very big surprise to everyone, but the departed in question had a well-documented past of being in trouble with the law,” he added. "I know... even I can't comprehend this. I thought I had seen it all, but I guess not."
Local residents of the drug-infested community of Tower Heights near downtown Detroit also expressed feelings of disbelief and shock upon hearing the victim had been involved in illegal activity.
“I just can’t believe this!” said neighbourhood resident Will O’Neill. “You would think that someone who is shot to death in broad daylight out of nowhere would have no connection whatsoever to the culprits. But you see something new every day,” he said.
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8-Year-Old Confirms You Are Poop-Head
The Turnip NewsAt press deadline last night just after supper-time, area 7-year-old Alivia Filoso confirmed that you are, indeed, a ‘poop-head.’
“I have a secret…” she whispered into your ear while excitedly rocking back and forth in her chair at the dinner table.
“You are a poop-head,” she emphatically stated, which was then followed by a series of uncontrollable giggling and eventual drooling. The confirmation from Filoso, who is studying extra-special hard to pass the 2nd grade, made several other statements last night about you which included your physical appearance, your smell and even the way you talk.
“You’re weird!” Filoso would later tell you, while pointing at your confused and annoyed face so that everyone at the table could stare at you.
Upon hearing from her mother to “settle down” Filoso reportedly looked bashfully at you for a few seconds before promptly punching you in the balls.
“I have a secret…” she whispered into your ear while excitedly rocking back and forth in her chair at the dinner table.
“You are a poop-head,” she emphatically stated, which was then followed by a series of uncontrollable giggling and eventual drooling. The confirmation from Filoso, who is studying extra-special hard to pass the 2nd grade, made several other statements last night about you which included your physical appearance, your smell and even the way you talk.
“You’re weird!” Filoso would later tell you, while pointing at your confused and annoyed face so that everyone at the table could stare at you.
Upon hearing from her mother to “settle down” Filoso reportedly looked bashfully at you for a few seconds before promptly punching you in the balls.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
CFL Teams Offering Canadian Tire Money As Contract Incentives
The Turnip News
As part of a recent marketing push to entice more players to sign lengthy contracts with various CFL franchises, teams will now be allowed to offer Canadian Tire money as additional incentives alongside real money. The currency, which can only be spent at any of the iconic nation-wide stores will be offered to players in order to convince them to remain in the CFL and not switch over to the NFL or choose another profession altogether which technically pays more like a personal trainer or a high school janitor.
“We want Canadian players to know the CFL is where they should be,” said CFL Commissioner Mark Cohon.
“We offer health benefits, a decent salary, opportunities for growth and a pretty hefty bankroll of Canadian Tire cash they can use for anything they want,” exclaimed Cohon.
“In addition to their moderate salaries, the remaining compensation includes their pick of anything in our stores! Camping gear, flashlights, car repairs, décor and even some decent football equipment,” said Canadian Tire Media Relations Officer, Kevin Baird.
The CFL’s new clause allows for players to receive up to $5,000 in Canadian Tire money, depending on the contract agreement and how much a team is willing to spend. The decision comes shortly after a failed attempt last season by the Hamilton Tiger-Cats to offer newly signed players Tim Hortons Tim-Bits in exchange for signing a contract…any contract.
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