NHL Player Says “Obviously” 34 Times In Interview

The Turnip News

Returning home from Sochi, Russia, New York Islanders Captain John Tavares was still in favour of NHLers playing in the Olympics despite his season-ending injury. He wasn’t shy to address the issue, nor was he reluctant to not use the word “obviously” in nearly every sentence he spoke to reporters.
“It’s obviously a tough situation,” said Tavares while commenting on his torn ACL suffered during Team Canada’s semi-final game against Latvia. “We obviously know the risks when we’re on the ice and it’s obviously a tough pill to swallow, but obviously it happens…Obviously,” he said.
With only two questions remaining in the interview, Tavares had used 29 “obviouslys” already and was gearing towards finishing off his comments with a few more.

“As hockey players, we obviously want to stay healthy. I obviously wanted to help my team win, make the playoffs obviously. Obviously it’s frustrating,” added Tavares before leaving the locker room only to look back at nearby arena staff and mutter “Obviously” to no one in particular. As of press time, reporters remained clueless as to how many god-damn times players use that word, right before Jonathon Toews spoke and used obviously nearly a hundred times in under a 2-minute span.
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Celebrities Hosts Fundraiser for Endangered Two-Headed Turtles

The Turnip News
Movie stars, film producers and famous directors all gathered last night to help raise awareness for what is deemed as a “significant threat” to our country’s two-headed turtle population. The fundraiser hosted at George Clooney’s estate in the Hollywood Hills attracted hundreds of motion picture icons as well as conservation and wildlife activists.

“Did you know that one-in-three two-headed turtles will die each year before they reach maturity?” exclaimed Matt Damon. “I mean… seeing as how there are only three, two-headed turtles in the world, it really is shocking. We have to step up to the plate and find a way to help save these rare species of freak genetic mutation,” he added.

When asked about why the celebrities were not creating a fundraiser for something more common like cancer, diabetes or AIDS, many of the actors took offence. “How dare you bring that up here! We’re here to fight for something noble. The two-headed turtle is nearly extinct and all you can think of is cancer? Get out!,” said Sean Penn angrily.

The evening raised a total of $46 million to ensure the survival of one of three, two-headed turtles. “And with your support next year, we can hopefully earn enough to help support the other two…” said Bono.
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Meth Smoking Detroit Mayor Envies Rob Ford’s Minute Addiction

The Turnip News
Full-blown Meth addict and known drug dealer, Detroit Mayor Mike Duggan told reporters that embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford doesn’t know how lucky he has it.
“He smoked crack once a year ago and gets drunk all the time? That’s it? Well excuse me, Mr. George Bailey,” exclaimed Duggan who is currently on trial for possession of narcotics, attempting to distribute an illegal substance, resisting arrest, fighting a police officer, extortion and money laundering.
“I think if he walked a day in my shoes, he’d realize his life is just peachy. I mean I’ve got a ton more problems, but I’m still Mayor!” said Duggan, who was recently re-elected for a another term.

New Video Footage From 1941 Proves Mayor Ford Was A Nazi

Mayor with 'nothing left to hide' will have some explaining to do after new video footage along with this photograph from 1941 clearly show that Mayor Rob Ford was a Nazi.