The Turnip News
A unified umbrella of excitement encompassed the nation’s drug dealers
yesterday after ongoing news suggested that Justin Bieber may be headed for an
epic meltdown.
The possibility of a nervous breakdown has gotten drug dealers across the
country chomping at the bit to make a fortune off the possibility of Bieber
scoring copious amounts of narcotics.
“This is a great time to sell drugs,” said area kingpin DeMarcus Smith who has
been dealing heroin, crytal meth and marijuana for the last seven years.
“We’re on the verge of making some serious cash. I’ve got all my resources
letting Bieber know that when he needs us, we’re just a phone call away.”
Dealers have also been deliberately saving their product in order to have a
massive stash ready for when they get the call. “I can’t contain my excitement
for when that happens,” said Jeremy Boulding who sells mainly ecstasy.
“When he calls, I’m gonna have a shit-ton of drugs for the little guy. And if
he buys in bulk, I’ll of course give him a discount. The more drugs he buys
from me, the better,” said Boulding.
No reports have actually proven Bieber is taking drugs, but the pop star did
recently call a dealer living in California and asked if he could buy $340 worth of
smack for his “friend”.
<< >>
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Understandably Depressed Soccer Referee Thinks To Self “There’s Gotta Be More To Life Than This”
While standing on the sidelines of a soccer match being played in front of 130,000 screaming fans, professional soccer referee Hanz Farhan, 34, sadly pondered to himself if this was the only thing life would ever have to offer him.
Half-hazardly trudging up and down the pitch holding his whistle, Farhan couldn’t help but wonder if his life would remain as stagnant as it is now – watching grown men prance around on grass in a never-ending scoreless tie for the rest of his life.
“Ugh,” he muttered to himself as another ball was kicked out of bounds.
“It’s gotten to the point where even giving out red cards bore me to death,” said Farhan to absolutely no one listening. “I just wish there was more to life than this, ya know?” he later asked himself, hoping someone was around to engage in conversation.
As the championship game ended at 0-0 with a shootout needed to decide a winner, Farhan was reportedly heard sobbing as he placed the ball in front of the goal. His exasperated breathing also made it difficult for him to blow his whistle.
“I can’t believe this is what my life is now,” he thought as he motioned for whatever player to come kick the ball.
The shootout ended and Farhan left the stadium more and more depressed with each passing hour. He later contemplated suicide knowing next week he had to ref the Euro Cup Final match.
<< >>
Monday, March 25, 2013
Foot Locker Employee Treating You Like 8-Year-Old Wants To Know If You’ve Got Enough Room There
The Turnip News
A Foot Locker employee is currently kneeling down and pressing your big
toe because he wants to know if that shoe fits you okay, despite the fact that you are an adult and don't need any help determining if a shoe is comfortable or not.
"So how does that feel? Is there enough room there?" he continues as if you were an 8-year-old who can’t decide for himself if the shoes fit. Reports indicated that prior to handing you the shoes, he also laced them up because shoe laces are apparently foreign to you and you are not capable of properly doing that yourself.
"Why don’t you try this one on, and I’ll get started on the other," the employee had said, clearly not trusting your ability to lace up a fucking shoe.
Witnesses said you are currently standing with one shoe on, looking at the mirror sideways as the employee hovers next to you like a god-damn vulture.
"Now you’re SURE it’s not too snug? I can go get you a size 10 if you want. Here… let me check where your toes meet up one more time," the adolescent high-school student said to you as he knelt down once again.
"That feels like you’ve got enough room…"
<< >>
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Friday, March 15, 2013
Breaking Bad Series Twist Has Hank Pursuing Willy Wonka, Not Walt
“Oh my God… W.W….
It's Willy Wonka Who's Cooking The Meth! ...He’s Heisenberg!!!!”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)